Last Monday, I was so nervous and bored, I even tried to kill myself. (pause for 4 secs) I didn’t have any reason to kill myself whatsoever. Neither stress nor pressure. I am just tired from the same day, night, routine, people, from police station to home and from home to police station. Corruption, gambling, pimps, frauds and corpses. I wash my bloodstained clothes and embrace death everyday. (pause for 5 secs)
Doctor I’ve won every battle of life, every case in the investigation department. But I’ve lost everything that was worth living for. I still remember those days when it made me feel good to stare directly at the sun without having to blink my eyes. I felt I am not weaker than the sun, but now I’m not brave enough to face this bright sun. (Long pause)
No I am not saying that I am tired from my duty, because it’s my job being a police man to protect citizens. Although, there are bizarre and weird feelings somewhere in my heart. You know what, my father was a hardworking man. He never gave up in any field of his life. When my mother fell ill, he ran into debts. He died before he could clear all of his debts. I want to fulfill my father’s wish. He always wanted me to be a vigorous man. (Pause) Yes I’ve accomplished his dream, everyday the new sun arises, but I am that same old man who has been living in the same world and doing the same work. I thought why not I’d puncture the wheel of my life to end my journey. (long pause)
Three reasons I couldn’t do it,...First, the official bullets we use cost 15 bucks a piece. I thought why waste the tax payer’s money to buy peace for myself. Next day was Eid and my friend came into my house. I thought my death will ruin his festivity. Third, when I placed cold barrel of the pistol on my temple, suddenly something allured me to the window. It was so fascinating that it pulled me towards it. Do you know what that was?? It was a beautiful rainbow. I thought it would be impossible to die watching such an eye catching, and mesmerizing scene. After, enjoying the beautiful scene I shut down the window and came back. When, I returned back the moment was lost, it was over. I was in no mood to die afterwards. (long pause)
Hmm....four or five days back I guess when, I slept..? When, I had been to my village. I laid my head on my mother’s lap and dozed off. Deep sleep (sigh)....a very deep sleep...for hours and hours, doctor. One sleeps well on his mother’s lap (tears) There’s no comparison of that sleep with the regular one.
Please doctor, don’t prescribe me these colorful pills. You guys get drunk and sleep but men like we can’t even die peacefully. I need to sleep. How long will I go on like this?
Doctor, that rainbow has made me look out of the window and see how attractive the world is, how beautiful the life is, how beautiful everyone around me is. Never do I think, what would happen to “Ali”, what would happen to my friend, what would happen to my near and dear ones, and top of it what would happen to family, for whom I have been the world.