Silenced

“Hey Cacy.”

I gave a slight smile and shrugged.

“How are you?”

I shrugged.

This was a chat I would have at least twice every day. However, I shared it fewer and fewer people as they began to realize they wouldn’t get anything out of it. Usually at this point in a conversation, someone would give up. They would just stop trying to talk because they thought that it wasn’t worth it. Why would it be? No one wanted to talk to the girl that wouldn’t talk back. Of course every few days one person always tried to be a hero and get me to say something.  They thought they could magically pull all of the words hiding in my throat out into the open. No. That wasn’t a possibility, not even when I wanted it to be.

My head hurt all the time. It was hit with words, sports, and school. Things I did, I couldn’t do anymore. Things I had, I didn’t have anymore. Things I said, I couldn’t say anymore. My favorite words were “yes” and “no”. I also loved to shrug my shoulders. Shrugging was used for answering things that could not be answered with “yes” or “no”. Usually I wouldn’t even say the words, I would just make the sounds, “mhm” or “hmm” and then shrug. Only when forced or on rare occasions would I say the actual words.

I scared the hell out of my mother. She had never dealt with this before and had no idea of what to do. She was always open with her emotions and talking about everything, so when I stopped talking, she noticed. I could see her getting frustrated when I did not say “thank-you” or when I didn’t respond at all. As time went on her frustration increased, as did mine. We seemed to be communicating less and less which brought out more emotion from her, and kept more inside of me.

I didn’t want to be, but I was a snowball in slow motion. I was in the process of being built up with emotions into a solid, blank-faced sphere. When I was finished I would be hurtled, slowly losing some of that emotion through the journey to the wall. Finally I’d hit the wall and crumble down until I was one tiny flake without anything to hide. I hated the thought of vulnerability. I would do everything in my power to stop myself from hitting that wall.

At first I didn’t want to hit that wall at any cost, but sometimes all of the emotions kept piling up and it was too much for me to handle. Those were the times I wanted to crash into it and let my emotions fly, but I couldn’t because of all the protection I put up not to. I went with what Elbert Hubburd once said, “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” There were days where I wanted to scream and cry and shout but nothing would show because I was afraid people would not understand and judge me for being silent. I didn’t even understand. I had no idea why I was shutting myself out from the world beside the fact that people just wouldn’t get it. People did not know what to think of my silence because they never faced it before.

All of my emotions kept piling up before I could get rid of them. As a snowball, I was in the hurtling stage. Things kept getting in the way. Things spilled out of me before I knew what was going on. I was having random panic attacks all of the time, but trying to compose myself so that they would stop. At this point, people did not talk to me even though I wanted them to. They would turn away because they did not know how to deal with me. I was out of control and emotionally unstable all because I kept everything hidden before. At first I wanted to shut people out of my life and not talk to them at all, but then I realized how vulnerable and alone I was becoming. I was trapped in between cutting myself off from the world, and letting my emotions run free.

I realized that communicating through speech was extremely important. If I kept everything to myself and never shared it with anyone, sooner or later I would just explode. Piece by piece I was falling apart without even realizing. When I finally broke down and expressed my feelings, I felt vulnerable and scared. However that was so much better than feeling nothing at all. As I gradually built up the strength to start talking again, I was nervous. I wondered if people would even want to talk to me after so long of being in silence. Because of this, I started out talking only when I needed to. As I got a little more comfortable, I started joking around with my friends and family. Nonetheless, it has been more than two years since I stopped talking, and I am still not 100% confident in expressing myself through words. 

Because of this experience I will never have full self confidence when speaking. I am always second guessing what I say because I am afraid that I will not be understood. I’m afraid that my words will not make sense or that people will judge what I am saying because of my previous silence. I know now that words are extremely underappreciated and underused. Language and emotions are connected through expression. I did not express myself at all. My advice to others is that people need to speak and express themselves. If they don’t, all of their emotions will stay trapped inside of them.

Comments (3)

Jun-Jie Zou (Student 2017)
Jun-Jie Zou

"I didn’t want to be, but I was a snowball in slow motion. I was in the process of being built up with emotions into a solid, blank-faced sphere." This quote up here really grabbed my attention because I thought it was the perfect metaphor for your story line. I really enjoyed reading your essay, Cacy. I learned that you are a really strong girl from your essay and I don't have anything to add because it was really well written. Great job!!

Kara Heenan (Student 2017)
Kara Heenan

A moment that grabbed me was the quote you used, because it was a great choice and fit into your story perfectly, and I agreed with it too. From your story, I learned more about you, of course. I also learned how important speaking and expression is in life, and that it's good to let your feelings out with words. There's really nothing I would add to this because it was great, but maybe more dialog, maybe the conversation with your mom when she noticed you weren't speaking. Good job! :)

DuBois Stewart (Student 2017)
DuBois Stewart

A moment that grabbed me was when you talked about the hero thing. It felt like at that point, I could truly understand the depth of your silence. From this paper I learned that even when its uncomfortable, you must talk or you will break down from the inside out. If I were to add something to your essay, it would probably be an example of your so well written snowball effect description. I feel like if you'd added one, it would be a solid story.