(He starts to talk out loud) Crap! It’s five already, she’s going to be home soon.
-starts to pace at a brisk speed-
It’s ok don’t freak. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
-throws hands up-
Who am I kidding? I can’t do this. I don’t even know what to say. I could just walk up to her, say ‘We’re over’, then walk away. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Yeah, thats good. I’ll say that, then I’ll be done in enough time to watch “Glee”.
-hits his forehead with his palm lightly-
Glee! That what I’ve should've done last night, instead of watching cat videos on youtube, I should’ve watched reruns of “Glee”. Those confused hormonal teens are always going through these type of things. Maybe I should study tonight, and just break up with her tomorrow.
-starts to shake his head-
No, I can’t do it tomorrow, I promised Sam I would get this done. Sam has been the other person for weeks now, and it’s all my fault.
(To an invisible person)I knew Sam was the one from when I first laid eye on the shirt Sam was wearing, when we first met, “ I HAVE BOOBS...made you look, and shame on you for looking at my chest.” I remember I died laughing. And when I asked where it came from, I got an earful on how it was impolite to look at someone’s chest. Even though most would say there was nothing there to stare at, I couldn’t take your eyes off it. Thats when I knew Sam was the one for me, from that first moment. If I can’t do this for me, then I have to do it for Sam.
-restarts pacing, slower than before-
Why am I making this hard for myself, thinking of what to say. I’ll just tell her the truth. That I found the love of my life, and it happens to not be her. She’ll understand, right? I mean, I only started saying I loved her, because she said it first, and I didn’t want her to feel bad. I didn’t really mean it. What am I thinking!? I can’t say that she’ll hate me forever, and it would break her heart.
Maybe if I told her how it never would've worked between us. How I could never love her in the way she deserves. Then, just maybe she won’t hate me. I’m only trying to save her the heartbreak, that would have come. If not now, then later. But what if she doesn't understand?
What if she doesn't that this is who I am. That I wasn’t meant to fit in the perfect life she planned. What is it she said again?(in a girl voice) ‘After college we could move in together’. That we didn’t have to get married until I was ready. That I had until she was twenty-eight, because she isn’t going to have kids in her thirties, and we have to have at least two. Two. Two messy, noisy, crying things. That always want and need. Why would anyone in their right mind have them willingly? ‘But don’t you want the chance to be a(baby voice) DADEEEE?’ No.
-runs hands through hair-
I guess it’s not all her fault she thinks we are ‘Soulmates’. If I hadn’t stayed with her this long, I would have gotten this break up over a long time ago, two years ago to be exact. But no I had to say with her because Dad thinks she’ll make a( in a deep man voice) ‘suitable wife’ and a ‘decent mother’ for our kids. And Mom was happy to see me with a girl.(older lady voice) ‘You didn’t date all through high school and your first few years of college, I was starting to get worried. I didn’t know what to think. You were a nice boy, got good grades, and you weren’t that hard on the eyes. The ladies at the club were starting to talk about you being one of ‘those’ boys. You know the kind that are afraid of marriage. I’m so glad to know your not. You need to marry ’
If only she knew what kind of boy I am. The kind that strings on two great people good people, one for years. The kind who is going to break, the first person to love them’s, heart. If mom knew that and the rest of the stuff I am, then she wouldn’t even recognize me as her own flesh and blood, because she raised ‘A good, sweet, All-American boy’.
I really have to do this don’t I?
I wish I could just fast forward this part of my life. Past all the crying and explaining. Past the ugly fight Sam and I are going to have, when I tell the truth about my other woman. Past the strained weeks it’s going to take Sam to get over the fact that I betrayed the faith, wrongly place.
-Stops pacing and smiles to himself-
Fast forward to Sam and I on the beach. It won't be any ordinary beach. It’s not any ordinary day. It’s the first day of our honeymoon, the day after our wedding. Just Sam and I on one of those private beaches. The kind where the sunlight, of the sunset, glitters on every grain of sand, the tropical birds are singing the song of love from the shelter of the trees, and the water, that were frolking in, is so clear that you can see all the even the smallest sea creature. We are splashing around, I get Sam’s shirt wet, it’s a white one, I can see all that’s underneath. Sam shames me for looking at the chest I admire so deeply, then getting even by wrestling me down into the water. Me getting the upper hand. Sam getting that look, our lips come together, the tast of salted water shared between us. The time and place forgotten. First Sam’s shirt getting lost in the waves, my hands on that glorious chest. Then my shirt disappearing. Sam’s hands trailing all over my body, leaving fire in their wake. Then off comes…
-Car lights flash the window, and he goes to check-
Crap! That’s her car. I haven’t even decided what I’m going to tell her. I guess I’ll just have to tell her the truth. Well here goes nothing.
-A woman walks past the open door-
“Hey babe, can you come in here for a sec, I have to talk to you”
-she walks into the office, in tears-
“Why are you crying. What’s wrong? Come here, tell me what happened...Oh no, not your grandma, I know how much you loved her.”
-he pulls the woman into his arms-
“It’s ok she’s in a better place now. She wouldn’t want you to cry”
“Of course, I’m right. I always am. you go take a hot bath, I’ll cook dinner tonight.”
“I know, I know, I’m the best. Now go take that bath.”
-he pushes the woman out the door softly, she turn around when she reaches the threshold-
“What did I want to talk about? Umm, nothing important, we can talk later. You go take that bath”
“ Yeah...love you too.”
-The woman leaves-
(to himself)I guess I just have to wait until tomorrow to tell her about Sam. What’s another day pretending to be straight, when I’ve been doing it my whole life?