This is my life... upside down!

Growing up not having all of your family around is challenging at times. I grew up without my older brother, my dad, and the rest of his family. My mom never really let me spend the right amount of  time with my family  because she can be a bit harsh and sometimes over protective. I love my mom to death but I mean she gets in over her head. Meaning that she basically can overreact to A LOT of things. But anyways back to the story, I grew up knowing little about my dad’s side of the family and it became really hard to connect with them when I got older. I would go over to my Grandmoms Theresa house, who is my dad’s mom, for  thanksgiving or just a gathering and not feel like I belonged there with them. My brother Malik was the one who always made me feel like I was welcomed, or at least he tried to make me feel like I was. Even though I was never really around I loved my brother more than anyone. I still do love him more than anyone except my mom and grandmom Wendy.

Something happened before I was born, my mom had Malik at a young age and she really wanted to finish school so when she was in the hospital, my grandmom on my dad’s side took my brother back her house. My mom on occasions would go over there to see her baby, but after while things started to get complicated with my mom side and my dad side. I never knew that me and my brother would end up paying the price for their childishness.

I was born about 6 years later and my mom wasn’t bitter she let me go see my dad and the rest of his family. She would never come around them though. She would drop me off and leave, then I would come home on sunday afternoon. Before, it was totally different with Malik. Malik wouldn’t come around to my mom side of the family because when he got old enough to understand why he hasn’t seen his mom, I’m guessing he thought that she didn’t love him or something along the lines he felt some type of way which everyone would. To this day my mom and brother still don’t have a relationship, I know in my heart that they both want to they just don’t have the heart to say anything. I always felt like I was stuck between my dad and my mom because they didn’t like each other back then and yet that have 2 kids together.

I’ve said before my mom let’s me spend time with them so I would either go to my dad’s mom, who is my grandmoms house or my aunt's house, who is my dad’s sister. I never went over there for them, I went for my brother. Just because my mom and brother don’t have a relationship didn’t stop me from having one. And plus I’m his only sister so it would have been wrong to hold grudges.

I feel like he tried his hardest to make me feel like I wasn’t invisible. I knew I didn’t belong but there was a time I was upstairs in his room and he kissed me and gave me a hug and said “ I love you so much, I’ll see you later”

little did he know we wouldn’t see me later. I went back home a few short hours after he left and when I did get home he called me and said “ Where are you?”

I replied “I’m home”

he said “where, you're not in the house”

I said “No, I’m back home with my  mom”

his reply was less joyful when I said that, he was upset that I didn’t get to say goodbye and that made me upset. There was this one time when I slept over and he woke up before and I wake up to him sitting in the chair playing with my feet. It was so weird but funny, and I’m laughing as I write this memory down. We have a lot of memories but I think that we should have a lot more, but the years continue to fly by.

I remember little things like him letting me sleep in his room and we would just hang out down stairs with a couple of his friends and just watch Tv and eat food. My brother got my name tattooed on him and that made me feel like I was the one that he would never forget about. He had girlfriend but I would get jealous because when he got older he would stay out all night and leave me in the house by myself and I would just be so bored and I felt alone. The older he got the more distant he became. We used to play games, go out, watch movies and doing the things that a brother and sister should be doing. It was fun while it lasted, because when he got older it was a whole new ball game.

`One night I was at my aunt's house and it was maybe around 8pm and I was laying down on the couch when my older brother came in to check on me. I pretended to be sleep, the Tv was up so he didn’t know that when he came in I was on the phone with a friend. I hurried to put the phone away, when I could tell that he was also on the phone with someone. He say “Yeah, she’s asleep.” not knowing that I was faking the whole time. He got on the phone and came over and kissed me on my forehead and I don’t know why but I felt really loved and that was something I knew I never forget, but that kiss, this small sign of affection felt like a kiss goodbye. It felt like he was going away for ever even though I knew that he was only going right down the street to my grandma's house. When he left I got up and looked out the window and I said to myself that I have the best brother in the world. The next  morning I hurried up and ran down the street to my grandmoms house, I couldn’t wait to see my brother the next morning. When I got there the setting had changed, I told my grandmom what happened, but then my brother came down stairs and denied it all. I was hurt by that because it made me seem like I was lying about it. Shouldn’t he be happy, but then I could dodge the feeling that he was 14 around that time and we know that teenages deny everything, so I didn’t mind. Even though we both knew what happened, nobody else ever would and I was ok with that.

My brother now has two kids, Lealani and Kayden, don’t get me wrong I’m happy for him and all but then again I always think why are they here. I feel like that because I never really had a male figure in my life and seeing him actually being a father made me upset because  my dad was never like that with me. Him actually spending time with me when I was younger lead up me loving my brother like a dad and I wanted him to myself. My real dad would come around but I’ve always felt uncomfortable around him. Reason why was because I was always around Malik and my dad was never around. My dad is currently in jail for something, I don’t know what and this is how it has been most of my life. When he does come around he either just gives me presents or money and I don’t want it to be like that. I would like to have a relationship with my dad like a daughter should but it seems impossible.