Don’t Limit My Dialect

“Maybe I can do use this when applying for a job.” I’ll say something like that but it won’t really be my full opinion. This is pointless and is a waste of time. I don’t understand why this must be done now. I’ll think something blunt, yet truthful like this, but I wouldn’t dare say it like that. This way, I’m being respectful and courtesy to the feelings of others. My mouth and my mind are connected by thoughts and nothing more. My mind will have many thoughts about the same topic, but my mouth will filter these ideas into a single and usually positive phrase that should be said. I learned from a young age that “everything has a time and a place,” and that adjusting to these schedules is the hardest part in following this rule.

I filter what I say a lot because I can easily offend a person when I don’t. There have been many times when my mind has gotten the better of me and said something that didn’t need to be heard by others. My mouth is like a gate and my mind, a prison, ideas and sentences regularly attempting to escape away into the ears of others. No matter how big and strong the gate is, there will always be that one prisoner that escapes somehow. This is a continuing conflict when I speak with people.

“How-”

“What Devia?”

“Nevermind…”

“No, say it.”

This constantly gets me. I will want to say something, but stop halfway through when I come to terms with what I was about to say. It can be that my sentence may have been bad or offensive, or it just may not have made any sense. I’ve continually had to take my time and reevaluate the words that I was about to say because of the latter. Sometimes, I’ll have words ready in my head but won’t know how to phrase them correctly. Then, before I know it, I’m saying something that sounds stupid because it isn’t proper English or sounds muffled and inaudible. Even while I write this, I am still not using proper English. When I was younger, my speech wasn’t that good and I unintentionally worked to change that.

Everyday, I went to my Pre-K school and each day I had to go upstairs to a special teacher. In my brain, the brain of a 5 year old, I thought that it was just another thing to do. The teacher was actually my speech therapist; I just didn’t know she was. I was there to learn how to keep from stuttering and stumbling over words. Instead of learning anything, I remember playing a bunch of games each day and doing different activities. Little did I know that by doing these things, my speech was improving. I came from not even trying to pronounce words to sounding them out, and from barely speaking to speaking all of the time. I felt comfortable with what was supposed to be my English, but it was really just society’s view of proper English. Then I went to kindergarten.

When I began, everything was alright. Then, some weeks went by and my teacher realized that some of my words didn't sound right. My teacher was the one who recommended me to go to another speech therapist that worked in my school. When I did go, that therapist said that I didn't need her. She told me that there was no need for me to come to her any longer and everything would work itself out; I would just grow out of it. Even though that's what she told me, that never happened. I often find myself struggling to get out words or thoughts and get frustrated in the process. My speech has improved naturally and tremendously, but I still have to take my time as I say certain things because my pronunciation isn't at one hundred percent yet.

I can't help but say that my speech therapist is someone who helped me speak more. Before her, I was very uncomfortable speaking in public and with other people besides my immediate family members. I became more comfortable using the way I speak to communicate with people around me. My voice became something that I wanted to use more than not, so I began speaking. Maybe I spoke a little too much, because that’s when I started saying things that had no need to be said. This is when I had to learn what a filter was, and I had to learn how to use my filter at an early age.

No matter what was going on around me, I still had to take the time out to realize what I was saying may not be the best choice at that moment. With this, on top of having to make sure my words were correctly enunciated, my speech has always had to be something that I take my time in doing. I know that it isn’t perfect but I know that I still have time to get it there also. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to enhance my speech with a therapist and I’m grateful that it isn’t as bad as it could be. What I say and how I say it may not always be what I mean to say, but I try to make it something that needs to be heard instead.

I may say something because it is socially acceptable, not because it is what I really think. In an 1970’s paper written by James Baldwin, he said, “Language, incontestably, reveals the speaker.” This is something that is nearly always true that I never wanted to be. People should not be able to read you by what comes out of your mouth and yet they do anyway. No one should know anything certain about you unless you have told them yourself, and this is what I try to make sure of.