Lit Log #1- Personal Reflection

One part of The Handmaid’s Tale that really stuck out to me was when we were learning about how Offred thinks about her daughter. She starts off saying “she fades, I cant keep her here with me, she’s gone now. Maybe I do think of her as a ghost, the ghost of a dead girl,”. Reading this surprised me at first, because I had believed that she kept hope that Luke was alive somewhere, but with her daughter she’s given up all hope that she would be alive. Part of me felt like she kept hope of Luke being alive as a coping mechanism to get through the horrible situation she is in, but she didn’t think of her daughter as alive. I wonder if subconsciously she is trying to save her daughter from being in her situation, and bringing her into her reality. While I thought the thought of Luke gave her hope, the wound of being separated from her daughter is still so fresh.

Later in the story she says “ ..and think about a girl who did not die when she was five; who still exists, I hope, though not for me. Do I exist for her? Am I a picture somewhere, in the dark at the back of her mind.” . This part was really interesting to me because when she asks the question about whether she exists to her daughter it made me feel genuine sadness for her. I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother, but judging off my mom, and other mothers, the pain of having to abandon your child must be unbearable. I think that she understands that she can make it through this, so the hard part is not being there for the one she cares for most. The pain of unintentionally abandoning your child must be one of the worst feelings a human can feel.

Another thing relating to family to me that isn't obviously about family is when offred was talking about playing scrabble with the commander. The quote that stuck out to me was “To be asked to play scrabble, instead, as if wwe were an old married couple, or two children, seemed kinky in the extreme, a violation in its own way.”. To me this moment also felt uncomfortable because it's a weird power dynamic where she cant say no. In my personal life I've always seen boardgames and other activities of that manner as a bonding experience. As a kid I have memories of playing board games with my uncles and how special that was to me. I remember sitting around my uncles dining room table, past my bedtime, with my uncles all yelling over each other, and laughing, so board games have a sweet aftertaste when I think about them. From what I understand other people's families also have some sort of game nights, so I've always seen it as a safe spot of sorts. The fact that the commander has so much power over her, and could have her killed at the snap of his fingers, it's a cold and serious activity, with a lot to lose. Playing with my family, things get heated, but there's nothing to lose and the stakes are low. When the game ends everyone continues talking, but in this situation the game ends and she's still in her own personal hell. Something that's interesting to me is how scrabble almost feels more intimate then the monthly sex that they had. Board games in my life have always been a family thing, but Offred already has a family that she was separated from, so the commander making her play scrabble seems like another way to show her the power he holds over her.  

While I'm writing about how this book makes me feel and it puts into perspective the system that Gilead has that breaks down every human aspect of the handmaids. They take away consent, free speech, self expression, and their families. Gilead takes women and robs them of their humanity. Self expression is so big in our daily lives, that I didn't realize how hard it would be to lose all of that and my family. Gilead's system seems specifically tailored to dehumanize women, so that men won't feel bad about treating them however they want. I leave this personal reflection feeling less disgusted by specific incidents, but instead the systematic dehumanization of the handmaids.