Your description captures the first moments of your story nicely. The reader does not know exactly what's going on and I enjoyed that mystery at the beginning. The detail keeps readers engaged and curious about what the upcoming scenes will reveal.
I really appreciate the way sensation feels sort of delayed, as if it is trailing behind the character's actions. I also really appreciate the transition from past tense to present, it's done very well.
This story is amazing. The perspective changes are so interesting. The dialogue is executed perfectly to maintain interest and the back and forth without context allows for interpretation from the reader. Also, the description of feelings is perfectly relatable which made for a comforting read.
I think that you were trying to zoom in on a very specific moment which you did a good job of. You use lots of descriptive language to paint a picture of what is going on. Maybe you could have had the girl poison the guy by accident.
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