Soften

“WE HAVE TO GO TO THE NEXT STREET OVER!”

“WHY are you yelling?”

“I don’t get to yell often” I say softly“ My friends are always telling me that I’m yelling wherever we go. If it’s walking to down street or if it’s sitting in school. Yelling is only to cover up the fact that I’m scared you can’t hear me, that you won’t notice. That you’ll forget me if I’m to quiet. Yelling is the little power I have with my friends. My animated stories are how I express myself. It’s my way of reminding you that I’m here. So can I yell?

Many say that you have to be confident, and your confidence is shown on how you carry yourself, on your power. Power comes from many different places but most importantly your voice. You have to speak up but what if your loudest voice isn’t heard?

It’s like your lose your voice. That’s my everyday life. The words are in my head they just won’t come out my mouth. They get stuck in my throat, like I’m choking on them. It gets to the point where I feel I can’t breath until the words come pressuring out. When they do come out they are soft and quiet.

“She’s has a soft voice.” My mother tells others.

“Wow you voice is so soft.” Kids at school would say.

I get told my voice is soft so often that I just find it easier to not say anything at all. Sometimes when someone screams speak up, I think I have a soft voice that explains everything that makes it all better. On the other hand when someone walks over to me and says you have a soft voice it gets annoying. I want to prove them wrong. That I have more power. I want to scream “NO I DON’T” to show them I can be loud. But I can’t do that because I know I don’t have that power, at least not enough not to be overpowered by others. That’s okay because I don’t really want to talk anyway. I don’t always want words thrown at me.

“Hey, Lo do you want to go over your friends house?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Cause I don’t want to talk.” I say.

Then my silence is taken as being anti-social. So I get defined as a loner. Isn’t it ok to not want to talk, but to just want to be in your presence? Not to want to worry what to say or if I’m heard!

“STOP screaming.”

“NO. NEVER!”

I have to admit sometimes silence gets boring. So I have to go into the little power I have, my voice. But I have to amplify it by ten to make sure others notice. But I also have to change my speech. This moment shows how much the kids in school have affected my speech. By using words like “rachet” to mean ghetto, or “turn up” to mean you have to be hype. At that moment I don’t know how people are going to react to the words coming out. Some laugh, others are confused.

It’s hard to be serious or to be mean, in a sense, because it’s not taken seriously. I’m viewed as a joke. Sometimes my friends joke with me and say I can say almost anything with my soft voice and a smile. And the person will think it’s funny. Most of the time I test their theory just to see the reaction I will get. I will get smiles and others will laugh when I’m dead serious.

It bothersome that I can’t be taken seriously and I have to scream to heard even in my own home.

“Hey mom what are we having for dinner?” I mumble.

“Speak up” she said

“WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER?” I scream

Others don’t always like that I don’t like to talk. So over time they expect me not to say anything. In the few moments when I do want to talk they have already tune out on what I was going to say. And it seems like as more time pass the less they expect from me. And the more we drift apart, and I lose a good friend. Not only have others kids been upset with me, adults will get upset and think I’m playing games.

“Hi Miss. I was calling-” I say gently

“STOP PLAYING ON MY PHONE.”

“I’m not playin-” I reply softly.

“WHERE is your mom!”

I take it in strides. As time passes I realize it isn’t always a bad thing. It could be my superpower. Being quiet and shy around others is my Clark Kent, my secret identity. When it comes to the time for me to speak up I become Superman. I can shock other with what I have to say. That way I can be Superman, louder, more often. Just like every superhero I have a weakness. It just like what Maxine Hong Kingston said in Tongue Tied “When I went to kindergarten...I became silent. A dumbness- a shame - still cracks my voice in two,even when I want to say “hello” casually or ask an easy question in front of the check-out counter, or ask directions of a bus driver. I stand frozen.” So I know that I’m not the only one who has the problem of being too quiet. But just like they could adjust to the situation I can too.

The others had to struggle first, some make it through it by expressing their feelings. Others hold on to grudge. I’m appreciative that I’m not one to hold on to grudges.