Advanced Essay #1: I Miss You

The air was crisp and clean. There was not one cloud in the sky. The sand was warm from the beaming sun and soft from the tide. We were so happy to be out here together. My mom loves the beach the feeling of sun in her skin is her favorite thing and she thinks that the best sun is beach sun. We walk up to the water. It is the beginning of summer so we have a sure idea in our heads that the water would be warm. The water was so cold my mom grabbed onto me in shock. I heard her let out a very uncomfortable scream. I would have reacted but the ice cold water froze me into place. We both laughed as we shivered. My mom, she likes the beach but, she doesn’t like the water, the shriek of seagulls or, the taste of salt water. I just don’t like the smell of salt water. If you get too close it goes up your nose and causes a sting kinda like when you eat wasabi but definitely not as bad. One of the best parts was that she hadn’t been to the beach in a while. The last time she had been here was with her best friend.

She was so cool. She didn’t have any kids my age. Heck, she didn’t have any kids at all. I loved hanging out with her so much. My mom’s best friend Ms. Tisha. She was my godmother and truly cared for me. I remember we had a great time together on the beach. Our family went on a vacation to Jamaica and we had went to less rowdy part of the beach near the bungalows. The sun was beaming and the water was clear. Clouds threatened at the edge of the sun rays causing shade and sun to alternate. We were relaxing and wading in the clear blue island water. I remember her asking, “Take a picture of me and Des?” It isn’t the best photo but it is one of us and that means the world to me. 

The moment my mom pulled it back up from our dusty Toshiba computer I was in shock. Five years can really change a person. I have grew a few inches. I’ve leaned out a lot especially in my face. My chubby cheeks are no more and I’ve matured since then . Looking back, I didn't think too much of this picture and forgot about it often. It wasn't until I saw it again, last week, in her obituary. It had been printed out into a small grainy image in the center. It felt weird being there but it made me realize how important she was to me. At the time life was moving fast around me. It was the first day of school, I had a good amount of friends, everything was fine, until it wasn’t. We had known she was sick but the shock of her gone left us shook. There would be no more game nights at her house. Those nights were fueled with laughter and smiles. Chips and dip spread across the table. Alongside the food were pokeno boards and decks of cards ready to be played. It always smelled of chicken that someone had brought from the store or fried themselves. You could hear the laughter all throughout the house as well as the jingles of quarters. Everyone bought all their change hoping that they would win it all back plus some more. I miss it now more than ever. I would never be able to be on her CatchPhrase team or be neck and neck in Scattergories. I would never be up past my bedtime yearning to call the cards as well as her in pokeno. I miss her. The last time I had even seen her was a year ago when she first got sick. I didn’t know how to miss her because I already hadn’t seen her in a year. I had never felt so conflicted on how to feel in my life.

No one really tells you how to feel when someone you love dies. In some ways it is rude and insensitive to tell someone else how to grieve but, in some ways it can help. I’m still really unsure on how to grieve when someone dies. I don’t take death well. It is kinda of like when you get a paper cut. It happens it heals but if you keep picking at it, it’ll leave a scar. I don’t want to forget about her but I don’t want to dwell on the past. Yes, it did happen but, she’s in a better place, probably teaching angels how to play CatchPhrase and making unforgettable beach days. People always say life isn’t a game, but isn’t it? We play around with death until it finally takes us. It could be quick and painless or full of suffering and failed treatments. For some reason I used to think that all adults had the game of life all figured out, but I guess they don’t. My mom is pained the most by her death. They were friends for over 20 years. I could almost smell the tears on her face through the phone because I knew she had been crying. The taste of salt welled up inside of my mouth. But, when you look at the bigger picture, she was electric. She left her mark on the world and for that I will be forever grateful.