Advanced Essay #1: Smiling Through The Pain

My heart aches, my hands shakes and sweats. Looking around regarding all the musicians immeasurable compared to me.

“Why am I doing this to myself?” I questioned.

Inhale and exhale, focused on my lungs expanding and filling up with air, then releasing.

“Don’t worry I’m gonna do great, I will do my best!” I lied to myself.

A room filled with violinist and one black grand piano sits in the middle of the stage, and chairs surrounding it, adding tension to the room. I sit in the front row with other violinists. My violin sitting against the right side of my body, all four strings creating a mark on my arm, the bow shaking in my right hand, on my left hand I feel the smooth cool paper becoming warm. I sit prepared with my music but feeling unsatisfied and not good enough. I sit with anxiety next to me only focusing on my doubts. I can feel it looking down at me like I am less.

“I can ignore it for now.” Lying to myself again.

I watch the fingers of each musician dance from one string to another and the bow cutting through the air. The anticipation is creeping over my shoulders, it’s almost my turn. I urge not to play in front of many pairs of eyes, and yet again I wait my turn. My music school principal arises to announce the next musician.

“Please don’t let it be me, please…” I said to myself desperately.

“Next up, Nasya Ie.”

My heart skipped a beat as soon as I heard my name. I stood up, my legs shaking and my heart speeding up.

“There’s no turning back now.”

I walked up to the stage with fear by my side, I inhaled and exhaled, leaving fear behind. Now it’s just me and music. I placed my music sheet on the stand, put myself in the courageous potion. I looked at the pianist, took a deep breath, and nod, indicating that I am ready. I read my music sheet, I’m not thinking, I’m doing, I let my fingers free and let them take control. Thinking will mess me up, so I just go. I see and feel my fingers dancing, and my bow cutting through the air. My frustration goes through my violin creating music that I made. I am one with my violin. Time was so heavy, working myself through time to get over this performance. All my hard work and dedication placed in front of everyone. A moment of peace, and there was a sigh of relief. The burden has lifted from my shoulders. I did it, and I will prepare myself for another coming.

That’s what controls me, anxiety and fear. It takes over my body leaving me stranded. I feel useless and never good enough. I have an expectation that I must reach, but that’s too much pressure, I know that this cannot be an excuse. I push myself to reach and reach, my anxiety pushing me to reach. Accepting that this is good, for my anxiety turns its back on me. More and more doubts from my anxiety telling me that I am wrong. Is it worth fighting for this goal, you might be doing something wrong, but if you don’t do it you’re just careless.

I ingest what it says to me, there’s nothing I can do, but to keep going. I’m attached with anxiety, it speaks into my ear giving me doubts, until I fall. It sits on me like a crown, a crown that keeps my head down and telling me I can’t and won’t get back up. This is life and all I can do is keep going. I will fight to reach my goal and try to leave my anxiety and fears behind me. But I know they will catch up to me and beat me down, every single time I get stronger. Anxiety will always be a part of me even though I don’t want it to. I can’t live without anxiety and anxiety can’t live without me. These are obstacles we have to go through to build ourselves to shape who we are today. It shows our strengths and weaknesses. Pushing yourself and fighting through the pain, proves it’s all worth it.