Advanced Essay #2: Under Pressure

Acceptance from others is important, especially from yourself, self-acceptance. I had a hard time accepting myself as an Indonesian-American. It was harder when I was bullied because of my race, my self-esteem was low. I didn’t want this as my identity. It became difficult to find confidence in myself. I was Indonesian in my home, but outside I was American. I couldn’t find the middle ground. The motivation I had for myself was not there. I didn’t want to succeed and I was terrified. As the first generation in America, I did have a lot of pressure to do so. I didn’t want to make a mistake and look down on. I had to keep going and find acceptance for myself. My parents worked so hard to prove they do belong here, and people who believe they don’t, they prove them wrong. My parents were my motivation, they made me move on and succeed. We worked (together) alongside each other. I looked up to my parent’s motivation.

As a child, I always felt out of place and wasn’t able to relate to anyone. At school and on the bus I used to get bullied. They would tease me and took advantage of me. When I cried, it would satisfy them. I questioned myself if this is who I want to be or if it’s better to hide. I was ashamed of my ethnicity. I wanted to be someone else. I would reach out to my teachers and principal, and they would tell me to ignore them. It hurt when they would say that. I was growing and still learning, I needed the reassurance and help and they didn’t fulfill that. I had to defend myself and I took that as independence. I wanted them to stop, and I realized they won’t stop. They will see that they won’t affect me, they aren't worthy. I can hear them say “ching chong” and see pulling their eyes apart. I looked at them like fools because I found worth in myself. They saw me grow my confidence in my ethnicity.

I know my parents didn't come to America to see their child hurt and fail. With that understanding, I knew I had the power to love myself and fulfill my parent's wishes. I am first-generation I know that I am here to succeed. I took that and I ran with that. I fully embraced it, I would say to myself, I’m proud of being an Asian-American and I love my home country. No one can ever take that away from me. I had to figure out my own my own path with the different influences around me.

Adam Davidson, the author of the article Debunking the Myth of the Job-Stealing Immigrants, talks about how society looks at immigrants and that they steal jobs. Davidson proves them wrong saying, “Immigrants increase the size of the overall population, which means they increase the size of the economy. Logically, if immigrants were “stealing” jobs, so would every young person leaving school and entering the job market; countries should become poorer as they get larger. In reality, of course, the opposite happens” (2015). Davidson demonstrates immigrants are the future. Immigrants take jobs that no one else wants and it keeps America moving. My parents came here to keep their lives moving, they knew they have a purpose here. To create a family and give opportunities they never had in Indonesia.  

Laura Pappano, the author of the First-Generation Students Unite, tells the story of Ana Barros and first generations. In her article, she says, “Many first-generation students, with their histories of self-sufficiency and staring down obstacles, see seeking help as a sign of failure... While most students “feel entitled” to academic and emotional support, first-generation students, said Stanley Stewart, a Brown junior, “feel really guilty about taking advantage of resources” (2015). I believe that first-generations feel obligated to be independent or we feel as if we can’t get help. So when we ask for help, it feels like defeat. We are pressured to be successful, but when asking for help it feels like we have given up and we aren’t doing any work. Our family came here to create a new life, but when asking for someone for help, it can feel like failure.

Self-embrace and self-acceptance have shown that it’s the main key to success. This has given me independence and self-determination. My race is apart of my identity and it has impacted my life in many different ways. Born into a family that works hard every day and living through high expectations is difficult, but I must push and work beside my family. At first, it’s not an easy journey to find pride and the confidence in my ethnicity. But it’s a learning and growing experience.