Advanced Essay #3: The Value of "Self"

“You guys are twins right, how come you don’t dress alike”, a phrase I’ve heard all too often growing up. I remember me and my sister side-eyeing each other every time, a routine that became so second hand I could do it with my eyes closed. We would reply politely, teeth-gritted, hands clenched, and somehow explain the need for us to wear our own clothes, annoyed that this even had to be explained. It seems as though nobody got the memo when it came to twins. Whether you came one fertilized egg or two, twins affect each other which shapes how they are individually. A study on twins also mentions similar findings, “In such a twin-defined bubble, you learn at a very young age to accommodate and compromise. Your perspective is that of a twin couple, so that you habitually think of yourself in relationship to your twin. You may find that you are in constant collusion—enabling, accommodating, and depending on each other—rather than feeling free to act on your own or make your own decisions.” (Friedman pg.23)The impact  on each other really builds up each others personalities and the way in which they interact with one another. No matter if the twins are identical or fraternal, same or opposite gender, having a twin no matter how small, for your entire life. Society will always see twins as one unit, ignoring their individuality.

In mainly all pairs of twins, there is almost always a more dominant twin. This dominant twin will tend to always make final decisions, will be heard more over the other. The less dominant twin might even look to the other for guidance and approval. For example, imagine an identical set of twins, named Katie and Kenna. Katie is more dominant than Kenna. Katie is more loud and aggressive than her, causing Kenna who is generally more soft spoken and shy to always obey her sister. This causes major tension and a feeling of insufficiency for Kenna throughout her life. She would generally be more dependent on Katie and show more sympathy towards her, or always giving in because she’s done it her whole life with her sister. Having that one person who is the same age as you, being raised in with you, doesn’t allow the less dominant twin to be comfortable or feel as if they have a voice. Our societal views don’t help either.

Society promotes twins to compare themselves to each other, and even compete; whether that be for the approval of their parents, in school or just daily life activities. It’s as if it is a norm, for when greeting twins to point out the ways in which they don’t act or look alike, whether they be identical or fraternal. I believe this is stemming from the ideology that since they were birthed together and look the same (in cases of identical twins) that they must act, talk and dress alike, as if twins are each others clones and can’t be independent individuals. For example, as a child my mother would always dress my twin sister and I exactly alike, she would always buy us the same clothes and in this way I always felt attached to my sister, but in the same way tied down to her, and that yearn for independence only grew stronger and firmer as I got older. I wanted to develop my own sense of style and free myself from only being known as someone else's other, so I started with my clothes. I was tired of always being looked at as someone’s twin, I wanted to be known for being just me. I didn’t want their to be any similarities in which someone would notice we were twins, because that would automatically diminish my value from one whole to a half.

However, this didn’t stop people from asking the most obnoxious questions that fraternal twins get: “Why don’t you guys look alike?” As if we would hold the answer in the back pocket of our matching Children’s Place jeans. There were many common misconceptions when it came to twins, and fraternal twins weren’t really as known as being identical. My sister and I have very vast distinctions with facial and bone structure and skin complexion. As I got older I thought this would help me be seen as more of my own person, in did in some ways, it didn’t most of the time. I became dependent on my sister and vice versa, we did everything together, we were with each other all hours of the day, we made all decisions together. Making the transition into high school a bit more challenging.

For our freshmen we were forced to part ways and attend separate high schools. My sister and I would always rely on each other, walk home from the bus together and sit with each other at lunch. Our school wise relationship was severed, and it took some time for adjusting, but we are finally seen as individual units. Although some people know we are twins, aren’t put together in the same location, no one group's us together as one. We can be wholes, while still being twins.

This idea would seem unbelievable to some people who are still stuck in that mentality, that individuality can’t exist in the case of twins. Nonetheless, having a twin sister has really shaped me and affected in both negative and positive ways, which I am sure it did for every other set of twins, who have lived with each other their entire lives. In most cases twins depend on each other more than anyone else in their lives, this unspoken agreement that they will care and protect each other against whomever; parents, friends, other siblings. Sometimes you can’t be to see yourself as a half in your own life. Your identity is combined with theirs. We as a human race need to recognize individuality within each human, no matter if you think they’re two halves of a whole.

Works Cited

Friedman, Joan A. The Same but Different: How Twins Can Live, Love, and Learn to Be Individuals. Los Angeles, CA: Rocky Pines, 2014. Print.