Art Blog (Pt3)

​​The Beginning of “The Filling of a Shallow Shell”

A poetry book by Eryn James

We Will Be

 

This was a boundary,

In which I had never intended on crossing,

Which may have been the biggest mistake in our relationship,

The stench of resentment and distrust in the air was telling me that i shouldn't be here,

But the loneliness and distress plastered on his face is begging me to stay,

Begging me to engrave my place beside king as queen,

Fill the shallow middle of his bed with my soul,

Resting it on bed sheets and confusion,

Tangle my fingers to his like roots,

So that our children can look back on solidarity,

And when we grow older,

He will have eyes like camera lenses,

And shutter eyelids,

Capturing memories by the blink,

His smile still holding me here,

Cradling me in the curl of his lip as if it never gained a day of age past 19

And I will have the sky on the lining of my womb from the galaxies created there before the birth of each of our children

We will live as if our bones never began to hollow,

He will still hug me as if to say there will forever be a home in the bends of my elbows for you,

As if today is all we have left

And we are not greeted with tomorrow’s sun,

I'll smile like moon light

Bright and surrounded by darkness

Hoping to be someone’s guide back home

And kiss you like the sun

Hot and excited

I will love like the meaning of tomorrow doesn’t matter anymore,

And hope there’s a time between death and evolution where bones can still be in love,

Maybe somehow our souls will find their way back home,

Even when our bones become playgrounds for insects and rodent,

We will still have passion,

Painting salvation over whole cities with sunshine,

There does exist a place where bone and marrow doesn’t matter.

 

 

Fiji

 

I’ve been trying for so long to learn you,

To discover what bliss you have hidden in you the caves of your eye sockets,

All the while I never judged you by the soil browns of your skin,

Or the tangles in your crown,

Alls I wanted to do was read you,

Open like a wound after battle,

You’ve been through battles,

I can tell,

And alls I want to do is heal your hurt,

Find the Fiji in your tears and catch them like dreams,

And figure out why you cry entire utopias,

I am destine to know you,

Eager to figure out why you cry paradise,

And why you hate anyone who tries to care,

I only want to be the Neosporin to you scars,

Make them disappear as easy as they were thrown there,

Make whoever hurt you vanish as easily as they appeared,

I want you to trust my hands for nothing more than caressing you,

I need you to trust me for nothing more than loving you,

But acknowledge that I’m human and we all make mistakes,

I promise that I wont make promises that I have no control over keeping,

I wont promise you that it’ll all be ok,

Or that you’ll be fine,

Because I don’t know and wont until all this ends,

But if all fails and falls,

I’ll be here to pick up the pieces,

I’m here to pick up the pieces,

We’ll try to build back as whole as possible, 

The lost pieces are only gone to show you that you’re human,

And to tell the world that you have a story,

 

 

Let Go

 

Does my name accidently slip off your lips when you kiss her,

Tell me you haven’t you been thinking about me,

Try to persuade me that you don’t stare when I walk past you,

Lie to me and say that you don’t have to pry your eyes open to awake because I am a permanent part of you limbo,

Tell her your sorry for calling her my name and mean it,

Apologize for comparing my past to her present so many times,

Kiss her without thinking of how much my lips meant to you,

Close your eyes and scratch her face over top of mine in your eyelids,

Let go,           

So I wont be stuck here,

Half present,

Half past,

Broken in two,

Let go,

So I can learn to be a whole,

So I can learn to love something new,

Don’t think of it as moving on,

Think of it as an accomplishment,

Go,

And achieve something greater than I am,

I promise I’m not going to stand in your way,

I can’t promise I wont cry but I will heal from the pain,

I’ll turn my back if you want me too,

Just let go love,

There’s nothing left to hold onto,

Just sweaty palms and a sack of regrets flung over my shoulder,

I’ve learned I wasn’t meant to be here with you,

So enjoy her presence,

Call her beautiful without having my face in mind,

Don’t listen for my voice her cries,

I promise I won’t be there,

Tell her she’s a queen,

And offer her your thrown and stop thinking I’ll be back,

I wont,

Love her personality without comparing it to mine,

You have something worth loving,

You had something worth letting go of,

Love her and let me go,

Because I’m leaving now,

And I’m taking everything that you have memory of,

My name,

My smile,

My face,

My past,

My lips,

My voice,

I’m taking me,

And I don’t want you to come find me,

Forget me,

Let go.

 

Lost Each Other

 

It’s weird that we lost each other here,

In this fallacy of fantasies

But I’m ok with the fact that you're moving on,

I know,

She gave you more than I ever had to offer,

I still love you but I want you to recognize that there is more left for me in this pool of happiness,

I’ll try to find someone else willing to love the brokenness out of me,

Because here love lasts longer than lonesome anyhow,

Time flies when loving someone wrong and hurtful,

Quick and careless,

I don’t want to stay where I know I don’t belong,

You’ll see my face and realize that I am something worth wanting,

I’ll walk away from this whole and content but you should know,

That sometimes love is hurtful and we cant find solace in broken

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried to blanket a bed on top of fragmented fallacies of the perfect fantasy.

But we know lies hurt and they wont always heal,

So next time,

I wont try to run a race bare foot,

 

How We Left

 

Have you ever seen your ex love hugging someone the same way they used to hug you,

Kiss as if they had love notes chanting samba on their lips,

 

It makes my soul cringe,

Puts freezer burn on my heart,

And forces me to remember all the vacuous reasons I decided to end a such shameless love so expeditiously,

 

1. I was jealous of the way stars chose your eyes for bedrooms at night.

It made looking at you a lot harder knowing your perfection.

 

2. We used to watch the sunrise and you'd kiss me like the sunshine. You broke my guard down with you lips.

 

3. You screamed forever’s into my heart. You loved me too hard.

 

I hate that you’re gone now,

And I've been searching for someone to get you off my heart,

Trying to find someone who could out do you in loving me,

But I've found myself lonely,

My bedroom has been made hotel rooms for unsuccessful one night stands since you left,

Foreign bodies cannot make me feel as whole as you did,

Even when they're on top of me,

Ever since you left there's been this emptiness on the right side of my bed where you'd lay when you were here,

But I guess your content with her sleeping on my side of your bed,

Meeting you in the middle where our souls once met,

Where our unconditional love once lived,

What happen to us?

I know the ending was my fault,

But it takes two to tango,

So I hope your owning up to stepping on my feet,

I should've listened when you told me you couldn't dance,

But sometimes I’m glad I didn't,

Sometimes I'm glad I decided to gamble with my emotions,

Memories where made here,

I remember Sunday football games,

You'd lay your head in my lap and I’d rub your back,

I never liked football much but,

I'd still cheer for your favorite team,

'Cause you were my baby,

And I remember when I’d come over after a long day of school and you'd cuddle with me,

And make me laugh at everything,

I was yours,

I hope you remember, 

I hope your not letting her create space in our memories for herself,

Because far before her there was me,

Remember when you used to call me your everything?

I never wanted to be much of anything,

But you insisted that I was the reason your world spun,

But now I guess I was just a model for the fitting of her crown,

I regret all of our mishaps,

But I cant put this all on you,

I know I used to yell,

And tell you I hated you,

But I'm a woman,

Most things I say when I yell aren’t true,

I promise when I said those things I was still loving you,

I just wanted a reason to get you mad,

So you’d have a reason to chase me,

But I guess you were tired of running

 

 

Islam

 

I will shatter myself in Islam,

Rebuild my temple in la il ilaha illa allah,

And own my character as a daughter of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W

I will never be ashamed of my garb,

Recite the Qur’an like Arabic was the very first star perched on the corners of my galaxy, 

Bismil-laahi rrahmaani rrahiim,

Qul huwa Allahu ahad

Allahu assamad

Lam yalid walam yoolad

Walam yakun lahu kufuwan ahad

He was bore

Was not born,

Equal to no man

And I will praise him,

Sacrifice my self like lamb,

I serve no other purpose, 

Learn the prayer buried in the moist palm of half Saudi half African Girl,

I will be worthy Insha-allah,

Islam saved me,

Saved me from myself,

From who I thought I wouldn’t be able to be,

From dishonesty

Helped me regain my self-respect and integrity,

I often find myself having to choose between my religion and something that I know I will be forgiven for,

But I always choose you,

Allah is my savior,

Allahu Akbar is my plea,

 

 

Love You Right

 

1 I don’t want to love you broken,

2 Don’t want to kiss you cold and lonely,

3 I cant bring myself to hug you loose and heartless,     

4 Don’t lie to me,

 

2 Don’t want to kiss you cold and lonely,

4 Don’t lie to me,

5 Keep truthful even if honesty sounds crazy,

6 Don’t break my trust into stolen happiness,

 

5 Keep truthful even if honesty sounds crazy,

7 I want this to work,

6 Don’t break my trust into stolen happiness,

8 You have to help me keep together to love you,

 

7 I want this to work,

9 We all know that lies hurt but they always heal, 

8 You have to help me keep together to love you,

10 I want to change and be able to love you properly,

 

9 We all know that lies hurt but they always heal,

3 I cant bring myself to hug you loose and heartless,

10 I want to change and be able to love you properly,

1 I don’t want to love you broken.

 

 

Savior

 

 

Some girls try to construct kings out of unhealed wounds claimed to be caused by shootings stars,

They try to believe that they have enough space in their luggage for other peoples souls,

My bones aren't designed to carry anyone else's burdens but my own,

I have picked up broken glass before,

Cradled it in the palms of my hands like disintegrating philosophy,

Decided that it was worth the splintered fingers and bandages,

You,

More than the “ratchet 52^nd and market nigga” that you try to persuade yourself that you are,

This is an attempt to make sure that you know where you come from,

Snatched from the galaxy under your mothers bosom,

Crying stars and music,

You where born symphony,

But live Bach,

Loud and angry,

You apoplectic angel,

Born beautiful and g cleft,

Live like danger and catastrophe,

There are mornings when I wake up wishing that you'd just listen to me love,

I'd click my tongue against the oxygen surrounding your eardrums

Create something worth listening too,

Because it seems as if you only respond to hollow promises and nonsense,

But I wasn’t born music,

I was born poet, 

No instrumental,

No base line,

Just words and ink,

For now,

I’ll try my best to sing for you,

Be sincere in my song, 

I’m sure that I’ve heard a few girls sample you,

Music,

It sounds rather cacophonous to me,

And I know you want to believe in saviors,

But I can't save you,

I'm not here to pry out whatever monster buried itself in your chest,

I only want to pray for you,

Whisper help,

Under my salat,

And I hope that Allah will hear me and afford you salvation,

Because I can’t offer my soul as shelter love,

I’m not strong enough,

I’m just as in danger of losing myself as you are,

Too hollow,

Too many missing bricks to keep this house from crashing down with you in it,

I’m just hoping that you can gather enough of yourself in this poem,

To be whole enough for tomorrow.