Backbone

Backbone

Hello mother, how are you today? That's good. No, I’m not fine actually, not fine at all. Well, I am really anxious, mom, I have an exam coming up that I am not feeling great about. I have to cram for it tonight and I am already struggling in the other classes. I feel like I am about to explode inside. I don’t want to do it anymore I’m freaking tired of everything!

On top of all my stress at school, I don’t have time to hang out with friends, and I’m now losing friends. Oh and this morning Cynthia broke up with me. I just want to be done with college. Everyone talks about “the good college years” but honestly these are the worst years of my miserable life. I can’t catch a break mom.

Oh and don’t think I forgot, that I have to take care and raise your kids! I am trying to get through college and just have a life, but I have three kids to take care of. Ever since you left last year, my life has become making sure the kids, are okay, and making sure I can at least slide through school. Now I have to get the kids a babysitter to watch them, so I can go to work in the night. Why? You ask. well, I have to pay the bills now because you decided to stop paying. It’s not healthy for me, mom! I physically feel like crap, because I got zero sleep.

Do not think that I do not love my siblings. I give them all the love that you didn’t. No, you don’t mom! If you really did you wouldn’t have walked out on us. I take care of them well. I was there on Jenna's first day of school, Rocco’s kindergarten graduation, and Phyllis learning to ride her bike. I was there, you weren’t. They rely on me know I have earned their trust. As far as I know, they have no more trust in you, all that trust went out the same door you did when you left.

Even though you left they still need you, heck, I still need you. We are struggling, I don’t have enough money coming in, we are not going to survive. I’m trying I really am. I know things were hard for you, but you can’t just walk away.

I understand the difficulty that you had to face after dad got arrested all those years ago. Ever since that happened you acted differently. I knew from then you would never be the same. Life changed for everyone, it was hard I get it, but that didn’t mean you should’ve just given up. I still didn’t give up and trust me I want to but I know I can’t let the rest of my family down. Dad did something very wrong, but he did not intend for you to walk out on us. Nobody did but you. That’s all you ever think about, yourself.

It doesn’t have to end this way though. This past year has been rough for both of us. I’m sorry for what dad did, and I’m sorry for the limited support you received.  I can’t do this alone mom, and neither can you. We need to be there for each other and be together, as a family. This life is hard enough as it is alone. We might as well just do it together. So what do say we start over, begin a new slate, be a family again. Is it a yes? Mom? Mom? Hello, mom are you there?