Climate Change Monologue Project

[An Indian man and a slightly more tanned Indian man greet each other in a crowded airport]

Yes! Hello cousin… I came as soon as I heard, uh, I’m very sorry… Oh my god I’m so sorry to hear this. Is she going to be ok?... Yes, of course, I understand. You run a very big business now! Get back to work… I assumed as much. Maybe you can still get the company back on its feet… Yes, of course. Please tell me if there are any developments in her condition… Of course, I will make it there ok. You can go and see her, of course, not a problem. I’ll get a cab.

[Walks outside, hails a cab]

Yes, hello, how are you today?... Yes, I would like a trip to Fatima Village… Yes it is south of here… 1500 pesos seems a bit much… No, 1200 is the highest I will go… Fine, 1250… I am going to go visit my cousin. He owns a coconut plantation there… Yes, the one that was destroyed.

He owns one of the biggest coconut plantations here. He owns 50 acres of coconut trees, and from his big two story house you can see coconut trees stretching out into the distance. He has made thousands of dollars this year alone trading with a big company from the west. His harvest was in full swing when Typhoon Haiyan, which was the biggest storm of 2013, hit his plantation. The only tree left standing was a small sapling which had just been planted a month earlier. Coconut trees take 12 years to grow, and so he has to start his plantation all over again. Along with the trees went his wife, now in a coma, who can never grow back, no matter how long we wait.

Thank you for your condolences, but it’s really for my cousin.

This is a real devastation to our family, because he sent us hundreds of dollars every year until we could afford plane tickets to the Philippines. We used the money he sent us to buy the children new shoes, to get a new cane for mamaji, and to get a new apartment with two bedrooms. Now we don’t have to live above the recycling plant. I swear that that’s how my brother got his asthma. The doctor said he got Carbon Dioxide poisoning, a thing that should have killed him. The doctor is not quite sure how he survived it but he tells us that many children on the streets of Dharavi contract the same illness from being around the recycling plants. The dirty plastic goes in and the clean plastic comes out, but what also comes out is Carbon Dioxide, which can be fatal in large doses. In India, the clouds of Carbon Dioxide are always hanging above us, casting a deadly black shadow over everything.

Yes, it’s a very serious problem around the world. You are lucky that you live in a village near a forest. The air here is much cleaner.

However, in addition to the immediate illness caused by Carbon Dioxide, there were some men that told my cousin that the great typhoon was caused by too much Carbon Dioxide in the air, and that the Carbon Dioxide is trapping heat and making our world change in horrible ways. I know that, although recycling is supposed to be healthy and clean and make our world better, those of us who face its immediate impacts are those who are injured.

[A man sits at a desk wearing very formal attire, backed by a giant green screen, staring down a camera]

Coming up, on “News Night”: is your child safe from Global Warming? Right after this commercial break.

CUT

[The man scootches back and stands out of his chair]

Thank god for these damn televangelists! They’re the only ones who let me get a little bit of a break around here. Everybody else just wants me to talk about, “Obama” this, and, “ISIS” that. Global warming agendas left and right, just being thrown around, when we have a war on our hands! And what is Obama doing about it? Nothing. Thanks Obama!

I understand that people have lost their lives, and that it has become a big issue in some people’s eyes, but I don’t see it that way. Scientists and experts on the environment have been quoted as saying that climate change is not a serious threat, if it can be considered as anything but a hoax. I think that, although some people have lost their lives, and these coincidences are unfortunate and terrible, they are still just that. People can not just blame environmental accidents and mishaps on climate change, because these things happen, and they are not necessarily caused by some great shift in our planet.

I can see why some people would like to target “climate change” as a threat, some great leaders like the UN and Obama included, but I cannot see why they would place this minor inconvenience along with the most dangerous things on earth. Nuclear terror, Islamic hijabists, and a stock market collapse are far more likely and far more pertinent and threatening than our mother earth changing and killing us all.

I really need to get back on air soon, but I can’t wait for this whole global warming hoax to just be over with and in the past.

[He gets back in his chair]

Welcome back to Fox, News Night...