“I’m scared”, Trisha whispered to me as we stood on the side of the mountain, looking down at her brother, Josh, who was eagerly encouraging us to ride down. It was getting late. The wind was blowing, penetrating my gloves, chilling my hands to the bone, slightly harder than it was five minutes ago. “I’ll go with you” I promised, sounding just as terrified as she did. Giving eachother a look of understanding, we pushed off of the snow covered hill.
My eyes grew wide and my screaming grew louder and more urgent as I saw the tree line approaching sooner than I would have liked it to. “Josh!” The sound was ripped out of my mouth by some unseen force and carried backwards towards the boy I had just passed, left standing on the bottom of the hill, dumbfounded, wondering what was going on.
BAM! I felt pressure on my legs. My vision grew dark spots and the breath was shoved out of my lungs. I laid face down on the snow covered gown, mouth open, unable to breathe. My vision returned and I flipped myself onto my back. Past the tall green tree tops, that seemed so far away, I could see the beautiful sky in the distance. Terrible thoughts ran through my head. Staring at the sky, the cold dampness seeping through my clothes, I laid there unable to move, wondering what was going to happen next. I grew tired, each blink seemed drawn out. For those few minutes I was at peace.
I realized that this moment was terribly beautiful. Even though I was injured and most likely would have died, fellow skiers kept passing by, simply overlooking me as if they couldn’t see the contrast between my bright blue snow jacket and orange helmet, and the white, icy ground. But at the same time I was, in a way, forced to see the world around me. This time I couldn’t get distracted and I couldn’t overlook things anymore the way that those skiers overlooked me. I had a real chance to actually see the world for what it was. I finally understood something. Terrible things happen everyday, and no one cares. The world in all it’s beauty carries on. The sun still shines and the rain still falls and people get up and get on with their lives everyday. Everything I once knew, everything I was taught since childhood was lost. I am alone. I have always been alone. It only took me up until now to realize it because I was so blinded by the ignorance of the world.It all spiraled out of control from there. It was like I was stuck in a never ending freefall, and every time I thought it was over I would fall again. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness consumed me most days. Little things started to get to me. I would cry a lot and I couldn’t take a joke anymore. I think everyone has those days where they just feel like nothing. They act like nothing and live the whole day in silence, simply consumed by their own thoughts. Terrible thoughts that eat away at your mind, telling you how worthless you are. You can’t escape. How do you outrun something that’s a part of you, something that you can’t control?
Each day is a struggle. Like a war between you and, well, yourself. Memories that you thought you had forgotten or never gave a second thought to suddenly flood back, and you become mortified even though you try and convince yourself that no one remembers. People go on with their lives and seem to forget you. It’s like you’re only here to be here. You’re here as a rock for other people, but as they become strong, they leave. It’s like waking up from a spell, cast by the world and people and influences around you. You don’t see things the way you were taught. There is no one answer anymore. Things become less clear, less ignorant, less narrow-minded. Unlike the people around you. They don’t see the way you do. You’re different now. An outcast. A simple organism in a vast sea of conformity. Everyone talks the same and acts the same and looks the same and pretends like they know what they’re talking about. But if you ever dare say something different, you are shunned and perceived from that day on as “rude” and “stupid” and my personal favorite, a “freak”.
We live in a world where “children don’t own opinions”. Where people are looked down on and bullied because they don’t “look right”, because someone’s idea of beauty weighs more than someone elses. Where you have to be skinny and wear the right clothes and have the right things, just like everyone else. People wonder why children kill themselves. No one really cares unless you’re pretty or dying. That’s just how it is, and that is sad. Very, very sad. Just the thought of someone slitting their wrists, skipping meals or even just consuming and doing things they shouldn’t feel the need to do, just to make up for the fact that they can’t “fit in” is sickening. We’re teaching kids that it’s okay to torment and attack other people because they’re different. If everyone was the same it would be a pretty boring world and even more conformed than it already is. When you tell someone that they’re ugly, fat, annoying, stupid, and/or any other type of insult, they will start to believe it. Because that doesn’t go away. If you feel the need to hurt someone, then maybe you should try and seek help of your own. That’s not a bad thing and I think both you and other people would benefit from your doing so. You can’t outrun your mind. You could try and ignore it and pretend it isn’t there, but in the end it has a way of ruining your life and reopening old wounds.
Depression can be triggered by many types of things and in many different forms. Most happen through traumatic experiences, just like the skiing accident I wasn’t so fortunate to experience. It’s like a domino effect. Once it’s triggered it never really passes. The dominos keep falling, knocking over one another as they go down. And the last domino to fall is you.