Everything was a haze. Everything felt like a dream as I sat there on my pale carpet, not knowing how to handle what I thought was coming next, looking up at the ceiling, which to me, needed more color. The walls were bright green, some pictures should have been hanging, holding my memories. The carpet should have been white but no one thought an eleven year old could handle white carpet. The wall needed a splash of a more vibrant color; probably some pink, just because it’s pleasing to the eye when mixed with green. There was something about that disgusting colored carpet that made me love it so much in the darkest moments of my life. It was so soft, so comforting, that I could care less if it was a terrible color.
In the basking of my bland room, my door was suddenly pushed open. So softly it seemed as though it took forever for me to see the person that was sticking their head through the door. Looking down at me, there was my grandmother. Her wrinkly brown skin seemed to be glowing. Her dark brown eyes looked caramelized as she squinted, smiling, just like my dad. I was surprised, but to some extent, I was happy.
I remember how the room suddenly got brighter. The carpet became white and instead of pictures holding memories, they were floating by. Her wrinkly smile and warm voice made my most challenging problems disappear. The ceiling became the sky, the room started to open up, like a rose that had enough sunlight. She walked over to me, step-by-step, looking down at me as though she was looking for confirmation to enter my room. I just smiled back. When she made it to my eye level, I really didn’t know what to expect, maybe a “How was your summer?” or “How is the family?” Instead, she got closer to me and touched my cheeks. Looking at her, I could tell she was happy yet she seemed somewhat desperate. Maybe desperate for me to notice her.
The room went dark, and I was in my bed, sweating bullets and streaming tears. Hoping that everything that just happened, to some extent, wasn’t just a dream.
Earlier that day, I was taking a walk with my best friend. The sun was beaming down on us and the hill we were walking seemed to get higher and higher. We didn’t know where our destination was, but that was our thing… to simply walk around and find something to do. Our future plan making was put to a halt when I got a phone call saying that my grand-mom was in the hospital.
But I couldn’t visit her. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. She was far away from me, so all I could do was pray that she’d be okay. My best friend walked me home and we said our goodbye’s.
We were all sitting in the room. At that time, the living room was open. Just two red leather couches, a TV and a piece of art on the wall. It all blended together, the couches were a deep red, the painting had various deep colors and the carpet was brown. The room itself never felt lively unless we had guests over. So, now it was dreary.
Every voice echoed and the silence made every ones’ thoughts louder. It was quite over-bearing. Everyone had their thinking faces on, but no one had the guts to say what was on their mind. All eyes were on my dad as he got up and began pacing around the brown carpet. His footsteps were heavier than the usual. His voice was monotone, sort of scary in some way. His eyes were heavy and red, his head bowed low. He looked vulnerable. He was in his home clothes, the usual khaki shorts and white t-shirt. But the casual living of everyday life just weren’t the same after the moment he spoke. He said, “She’s died.”
In that instance, everything that I never noticed in life became relevant. The fact that I could wake up every morning and say good-morning to my family meant a lot to me. But the fact that I couldn’t spend one last summer with my grandmother or buy a phone card to say hello, made my heart beat seem louder and the tears building in my eyes seem heavier than ever.
That moment in my life changed me. I hadn’t seen my grandmother in 4 years. She was always so caring, so quiet, but so wise. I remember feeling terrible because every time I talked to her she’d ask, “When you comin’ down?”
And I could only say, “Soon. As soon as I can.”
But it took me a while to realize that sometimes in life, decisions can’t be made in time, once you have the opportunity to do something, you should do it instead of putting it off and regretting it in the future.
I know that she loves me, I know that she cares about me and regardless of how I feel now, I know she’s in a better place.