English Monologue: For Him

(Does the sign of the cross)

In the name of The Father, of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit.

(Proceeds to pray as her hands are in prayer position)

Oh Lord, I ask that you watch over my family and friends. That you guide us in the right direction and help keep us from harm. I pray my grandpa is watching over me from Heaven, but can I ask? Ask why you would take him away from me. Why you would take someone who had so much faith in you away from their family?

(Remove hands from prayer position and intensifies tone of voice)

Haven't you seen what I’ve been through? Don’t you remember how much faith I have in you or had I should say. I … I just can’t do this anymore. I’m done believing.

You’ve failed me. After everything I’ve done! After everything I’ve been through, all you do is put me through more pain. You said that Jesus died for us. That he died to prevent us from the pain he went through when he was nailed to the cross, but if that's true then why did you leave my grandpa helpless in a hospital bed dying from cancer!

(Runs her hands through her hair and starts to pace/walk around the room as she talks)

I’d spent an integral part of my adolescence in a hospital. Fox Chase Cancer Center to be exact, and even though it wasn't me who was sick, I would have prefered that compared to the actuality of the situation. My best friend was in the hospital with stage four cancer.

He was such a happy person. Not even being diagnosed with cancer could dull his sparkle, but the chemotherapy did. It made him weak. Tired. I could see how the pain affected him whenever I’d visit.

(Pause and look up)

He was the matriarch of our family. Yet the chemotherapy made him weak when we needed him most.

(Look like you’re about to cry)

All we wanted was for him to be okay! We’d be excited when they’d tell us that he could come home, but we’d be distressed and depressed when we’d have to bring him to the emergency room no more than 3 weeks later.

(Look like you’ve had a train of thought and then smile)

I visited my grandpa everyday after school hoping he would get better. It put a smile on my face to see how his eyes lit up when I walked into the room. “Hola Ava” he would say. “Hola Abuelo” I would reply as I walked towards him to give him a hug.

For the rest of the afternoon, we would watch tv with our family, and tell corny jokes until it was time for us to go home. “I love you Abuelo” I'd tell him before I left.  “I love you too” he’d say with a cheesy smile on his face. It made me happy to see that he was happy. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

(Look towards the ceiling)

God, during his treatment I stopped believing. Believing that you would help the situation, that you would make everything better. As he continued to get worse I continued to wonder why you would do this to me, to my family, to our family. I was on constant alert fearing that one day you would take him away from me.

(Short Pause)

Every time I saw him the last sentence I would say to him was I love you. I said I love you because was I so scared that I would lose him at any moment.

(Intensify the urgency as this sentence is said)

Do you know how emotionally unstable that makes a child? To know that her grandpa, her best friend, could die from esophageal cancer at any minute.

(Pause)

And then it happened. On an early afternoon in August he died. My dad hadn't told me until we got home, but I could sense that something was wrong before then. I tried to prepare myself, but I wasn’t ready to hear the news. I don’t think anyone else was either. His death affected me deeper than I could even fathom.

(Start speaking in a slight whisper)

It made me lose faith. Faith in you, your religion, and I’m sorry.  Saying all of this has helped me realized that it isn’t your fault. My feelings of anger and betrayal were out of distress, despair. I was trying to find someone to blame the situation on, and you just happened to be the target.

You were the only person I thought could help him and seeing how he hadn’t gotten any better I took that as you failing, but (Sigh) I was wrong to blame you. I mean you did help him live four and half years longer than the doctors said he would. In fact they called his survival a miracle.

(Slowly does the sign of the cross)

And with that being said, I’m sorry.

(Slight Pause)

Amen. (She says as she bows her head)