Hasciya Austin// What is control?

My goal was to come face-to-face with myself and my indecisiveness. Although I know that I can’t help myself choose just by writing it down, it’s a good way to voice it out privately. I’m proud of my reflection, as I felt like I could be truthful to myself. It made me more self-aware of my feelings towards specific things, and hopefully being able to assess that normally can help me in the future.

Another day, another awful drawing. One by one, another page is flipped, or thrown away depending on my mood. I tell myself to just give up, but my ambition says otherwise. Despite my negative thoughts, I chose not to put my pencil down. My hand was cramping and as much as I wanted to continue, I had to put the pencil down. After stretching my hand for a good three minutes, I picked up my pencil once more. Once I started to write, my hand cramped again.

I had a good two weeks before school started, but that was the least of my worries. I wanted to get this drawing done. After erasing many times, I thought the image was done for. So as a way to hide my embarrassment, I called it a “draft”. Four trapezoids, two of them facing towards each other and the other two facing away. Each had a different sketch inside of them. The day before, my cousin had asked me to just draw a logo of our favorite boy group, but I decided to add onto it.

I was somewhat proud of the first trapezoid, which had four different circles, each one representing a different story. One looked like it was melting, another looked like a feather. One was covered in stripes, but each line was never a match to the other. The final circle was simply black, as the original album cover had, I tried my best to recreate it, and I believe that I did it to the best of my ability. I was finished that part, but I never got to finish the other three trapezoids. I had done the rough sketches, but I never got to shading them in.

I knew sketching wasn’t something I wanted to pursue as a career…do I? I truly am not sure at this point. I do prefer to stick with the art department, I just never knew which category I wanted to stick to. Everyone has their own paths chosen, why can’t I choose mine? Of course everyone has a specific talent, everyone but me. I try to do anything I can but I feel as though I fail miserably. I have the greatest ideas in mind, but it seems like time has other plans for me. I can never get them done, and most times I barely get to start them.

Although all of these mishaps, I am determined to figure out what I want to do, and how to get them under control. I am the only one who knows what I want, but do I really? I know what I can and cannot do, but how can I use that knowledge to benefit me? Does anyone know what they want, honestly? I am like a tangled pair of earbuds, once I get things back on track, they somehow get jumbled up once more as soon as I turn my back away,