“Hello class, take a moment to settle down before I begin the lecture. So let’s talk about life, yes? Life’s purpose has been sought after by many philosophers, nearly all of them. A large amount of the theories of the purpose of life are typically something akin to this quote, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, ‘The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.’

*Brief, contemplative pause, then a heavy sigh*

I’m tired of  this. I can’t recall how many times I’ve said those exact words, and they hold no real meaning. I’m just spewing bullshit I read in a textbook because my superiors told me to. I’m wasting my time here. None of you fucking care.

You come to this class because you think you’re better than the rest of mankind, like you’re somehow more unique than the rest of the population because you “think too much” or because you “understand the deeper meaning of life”. But Here’s the thing about life - there’s no god damn point. You’re born, you live, and you die. All the while just eating and shitting and doing what you’re told, assuming that greatness will fall into your lap because you for some reason deserve it, or because you worked harder.

Well tough shit, the universe owes you nothing. You’re just lazy so you follow a study that makes you feel superior to others and that you can brag about to your peers while you sit in your chair writing something Plato would be proud of. That’s not going to happen. That’s not going to happen because next thing you know you’re 45, depressed, tired, and stuck in a shitty job that doesn’t pay well talking to kids who don’t really care about what you think.  

I had dreams too, you know. I was exactly like you. I wanted to be a remarkable, memorable figure in history. I wanted to be remembered for all my interesting and wonderfully new contemplative thoughts. I got out of college, and life kicked me to the curb. I didn’t have any jobs lined up, my major in philosophy was useless, and I hadn’t learned a single thing over the past 4 years. Do you know what you can do with a major in philosophy? Teach philosophy. It’s a completely irrelevant field of study that just feeds into itself. Have you noticed that almost every great philosopher has written multiple books? Why didn’t any of you just take writing classes? That wouldn’t have been very helpful either, but at least you would have SOME sort of skill. You could’ve written for - oh I don’t know - newspapers.

I’m not even angry at you. I don’t care about any of you - you’re not relevant to my life. I’m moreso angry at myself for being so arrogant and foolish as to not only get a superfluous degree, but then feed into an idiotic cycle, keeping it going. I’m sad that I lacked the foresight to see why philosophy was a shit major. I could’ve been a lawyer or something. A job equally soul-crushing but at least I’d be paid well. I fear I may have lost my mental stability - I mean here I am, standing in front of a room full of twenty-somethings, not even listening to me when I’m clearly going off topic. None of you are listening! I walk up and smack one of you and you wouldn’t even notice! Ugh, what’s the point. I may as well just stick to the lesson plan while I’m here, no use screaming when no one is listening.