Mister Pee-body

(Looks up and hollers at his wife)

Hey Hon, can you come downstairs for a minute?

I have great news to tell you!

I also have some pizza and wings here!

I know, we ate an hour ago but, I’m hungry so come down and eat with me!

I have to tell you something!

(Heads to the living room and sits on the couch)

Before I tell you, let me go to the bathroom first.

Don’t worry, I’ll be quick.

(Looks back at his wife, irritated) I said I’ll be quick Susan!

(Back on the couch)

So, If you’ve noticed these past few months I’ve been going out with the boys, right?

You know, Victor, Manny, Ben, and Jerry.

Don’t you remember? Ben and Jerry are my dudes with the big ice cream company.

You know! We’ve had their ice cream before. We thought it was pretty damn good!

Uhmm, I forgot what the company’s called but I know that it’s an ice cream company.

(Pauses)

Yeah, yeah! I told you, you would remember mhm, it’s the one with the weird and long ice cream names.

Anyways, I told my boys that I lost my job a week ago and Ben and Jerry offered that I could work at their company.

So, these past few weeks I’ve been going to their factory at South street trying all of the different flavors of their ice cream to help my palate familiarize all the ice cream flavors before I start working.

(Pauses)

Hmm...

...But for some reason, I always get a blurry vision and I’m desperate for food at the end of the day after the tasting!

(Pauses and his brows moves down as it comes together)

I have to be careful with what?

Oh, that’s a different story.

I know that  mom has diabetes but that doesn’t mean I’m getting it too!

Well, I could if I keep doing this for years and years but I’ve been only doing this for a few months.

Susan! Are you even listening? (Eyes widening)

(Pauses)

(His brows furrowed) There’s nothing to worry about, honey.

It’s not a big deal...

(Stands up)

Hold on a sec, gotta go to the bathroom!

(Sits back down)

Okay, back to what I was saying.

What was I saying again?

Ohhhh, (laughs) right!

No, I am feeling just fine honey!

Like I said, it’s normal!

My vision always gets blurry but if I relax for a bit, it’s all good!

(Slams his left hand on the couch) No, you don’t have to worry about this...

Okay, again, back to what I was saying!

Their ice cream is great and they still create those cheesy and weird names for their ice cream.

(Giggles) They even made fun of me for peeing every minute and joked that they will name their new ice cream flavor the (Does the finger quote gesture) “Mr. Pee-body,” dedicated to me!

(Laughs and right palm facing up just below his chest)

Well, at first, I was irritated by them making jokes about me but, I ended up laughing with them!

(Laughs) Oh god, it was a fun day!

(Stands up) I’m sorry hon, I gotta pee again!

Be right back!

(Comes back to the couch)

(He raises a brow) Wait wait wait, did you just call the doctor?

For why?

Oh my god, Susan!

It’s not that serious, okay?!

What do you mean, “you already set an appointment for tomorrow”?

Now you’re making me feel like a child who is afraid to see the doctor.

(Head down, looks to the right, and exhales) Fine, we’ll see what happens.


(At the doctor’s clinic)

Hi, how are you Doctor Porter?

I am Mike Breyers and this is my wife Susan Breyers.

(Short smile)

It’s nice meeting you too.

So, I am here today to… uhmm know if I have a uhmm oh yeah, I just have some concerns about how my body has been responding to certain things lately.

So, I’ve been working at an ice cream company as the ice cream taste tester and yes, I do consume a not so little amount of ice cream everyday. But, afterwards I tend to have a blurry vision and I am always hungry…

It’s nothing serious but it’ s weird.

(Lips pursed together and eyes widening)

Are you serious, Susan?

Okay, so just like what my wife said, I also get irritated a lot and (laughs) I visit the bathroom frequently.

(Sarcastic tone) Wow, thanks for noticing Hon.

Yes Doctor, I’ve been getting a blurry vision, I do pee a lot, I am always starving…

Yeah, I get irritated.

(Pauses)

What about them?

I’ve noticed that my body is acting weirdly, Doctor Porter.

I don’t think I’m allergic to ice cream...

I’m not feeling anything severe, but…

My wife’s right, I’ve been acting differently and so does my body.

Oh, so you think ice cream has a huge impact on my body?

(Forehead creased) I have most of the symptoms for what, Doctor Porter?

(Jaw drops) For diabetes?

But, that doesn’t mean I have it!

Well, my mom has diabetes...

She has a type 2 diabetes.

(Exhales deeply) I really have diabetes, Doctor Porter?

(Murmurs) I guess I have to tell Ben and Jerry about this that I could no longer work for their company.

Yes, I work at my friend’s ice cream company.

(Eyes widens) Oh, how do you know Ben and Jerry?

Ahhh, right.

Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream.

(Smiles)

Hon, it’s called Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

Ben and Jerry’s ice cream gave me diabetes!

(Murmurs and sighs) I guess I have to tell Ben and Jerry about this...
Mister Pee Body

Comments (2)

Paul-Ann Whyte (Student 2018)
Paul-Ann Whyte

I can connect with this character because my family also has diabetes running in the family and I also eat a lot of sugar on day to day basis. The most memorable moment for me is the frequency of his bathroom breaks. It makes the monologue funny.

Kaamil Jones (Student 2018)
Kaamil Jones

I think your monologue was really funny. I feel like the Mike makes the monologue funny and the doctor and Susan make the monologue serious. Very well done.