My Motivation

As I was sitting in the library on a gloomy afternoon. I wrote in my journal, “I hate myself”. I was staring at the window looking outside. At the same time I was thinking about the girl that I really like. She is in my class and her name is Samantha. Yeah I got to admit she is pretty cute and beautiful. It doesn’t matter if she is popular or not, I still like her no matter how she is. I smiled at the image of her that I have in my head, but soon the smile became a frown because of the thought of folding to her in front of my friends. I was facing a life of laughter because I keep avoiding her after promising and texting her tell her to meet me after school. I avoided her because I was nervous I had butterflies in my stomach and then that feeling took me over and I have to avoid her. But she agreed to meet me and I ditched her because of my nervousness trait. In my mind I always remember the words face your fears, but I can’t face my own. I shook my head as I have that flashback to the scene. I shook my head as I have remembered what have triggered this nervous shock that cause me to be nervous whenever I talk to girls. It was in 2006 as I was a young boy. I really liked this girl in my class. Then one day I went and talk to her and she rejected me. From that moment on I felt unsure when I was talking to a girl. I always have that thought that she doesn’t like me. After the flashback I looked up at the clock and I found out that I have been sitting here for about an hour now and so far I can’t study at all. I have been slacking off a lot because I keep thinking about Samantha. She is always in my mind. Well since I was slacking off I picked up my phone and check to see if I had any messages.

The words “No messages” pops up on my phone. Well I guess nobody, none of my friends are going to text me a sign of motivation. Just as I put away my phone in my pocket. I felt my phone vibrated like crazy, like its yelling at my to pick it up. I picked up my phone and saw the display of the words “ 1 Message” on my phone. Now the dampen feeling that I had before has now brightening because of the text that I just receive.With anxiety I press the button on my phone that will lead me to the text of motivation that I have been dreading for minutes. When I saw the message the read it quickly, reading word for word. Quickly I discovered what the message said. It said “ Hey Jack I know you were stuck and folded to Samantha. Don’t even bother talking to me anymore if you don’t get this figured out.” I remembered that time when my friend Ralph was telling a girl name Matilda to meet him after school. I stood there waiting for the bus and I saw her standing there waiting in the freezing weather for Ralph. As 15 minutes went by I knew then that he wasn’t coming. I know my friend Ralph ever since we met in 5th grade he was a jerk then and now. I guess people never change over a series of time. Now as I was reading this text I was reading with a smile on my face and now that smile has turn into tears of frustration.

I was crying to the thought that everyone was on my side at first, but why do they have to turn their backs on me? Why does it all change after I folded to Samantha? The thoughts of killing myself and hurting myself start coming in. I had a thought of killing myself. I thought to myself, why do I have to live in a world where everyone betrays you. Then the reason why I can’t hurt myself is because my religion influences me not to hurt myself. My Catholic religion taught me to appreciate life and don’t do anything to hurt yourself. Well now because of that reason anger started filling in the spots of my heart where it was broken because of the constant mocking of laughter. Then I started having difficulty with breathing. “ I can’t breathe. I have to do something about this.” Then I knew what to do. I have to run down to the river down the street. I walked slowly because of the difficulty of breathing, but then I started running. I can’t take it anymore I need fresh air. I ran out of the door and I realized that it was dark outside, but that didn’t stop me. I run down to the river with the goal of breathing was completed. I breathe really hard and now I looked at the water flowing peacefully. The sound of the water sooth me and made me calm down for a moment. I stood looking at the water and I realized that there is nothing to be upset about. I realized that me, myself can find peace and happiness. Then I thought of my family. My family carry me through no matter what happens. I realized that family and my effort is a formula to happiness and I think thats a good motivation for me. I started walking back to the library. “ Its time to study”. “Its time to study”.

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