Nothing to Be Ashamed Of- Lily Rivera

I did it...I actually did it… I actually did it! I mean, I don’t know how, but I did it. I guess all of that studying really paid off! I’ll have to remind myself to go and thank Liz for those notes! I seriously couldn’t have done it without her! The only real reason I passed was her. I’m not even remotely as smart as her.

She really is great. I mean... it’s no wonder she has so many friends. No, no, no, this is not about Liz. This isn’t about Liz and her smartness, or how pretty she is, or how nice she is to everyone....how skinny she is and how all her clothes fit her nicely, or even about how all of those guys seem to just always want her, or-

It’s not about any of those things. Shit, why am I mad at Liz? She was just being nice. God, I gotta stop. This is about me...how I passed the test. So what if she helped me? I mean, I was the one who took the test, not her. It’s not like I cheated! I just got some help...and help is...okay.  It’s fine to get help sometimes.

Yeah, right….help. Of course I needed help, I mean, when do I not. I’m practically fucking useless in class anyway. I never pay attention, I can never ask questions because that’s too freakin’ stressful. I mean, it’s terrifying! I can’t handle that kind of attention on me. What if I ask a really dumb question? How freaking embarrassing would that be? That would just show everyone just how fucking dumb I really am, hah…

Look at me having a pity party for myself. I can’t believe how selfish I am. There are people who have it so much worse than I do, and I’m complaining? Wow, what gives me the right to be sad anyway? I should just...stop. God, I am just so...ridiculous. I’m always sad for no reason, like what the hell even is that? Every little thing makes me upset; even if someone even raises their voice at me. I mean, hell, I probably deserve it.

I probably do deserve it. I mean...look at me. All I ever do is complain; I’m selfish, I’m senseless, and I’m practically irrelevant. I’m moronic, I’m careless; all I ever do is let everyone down. I’m bitter, I’m pathetic, I’m inadequate. I can’t do anything right, I can’t even ask my teachers to go to the bathroom half the time! !

    Alex?Huh I wonder…

  “hey i know you've been really sad and stuff so i thought we'd go out to lunch tomorrow? idk, if you feel up to it. good job on your test today! i knew you could do it! ily, hon! stay strong!”

    ...I...you know what, what am i doing? I'm completely overreacting. Getting help is…okay. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know what i was thinking. Heh...I guess I still haven't beat my demons huh?