On The Run

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrr

(Jaylen) can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message

“I-I know this is sudden and you probably don’t want to speak to me, b-but I just want to explain.”

When I came to Lakeshore High, you were the only person that was nice to me. Not to mention the fact that you were gorgeous. I was never meant to get close to you or become friends.

I never knew it would get this far. I never knew you would be the one. And although things are different now and you will never forgive me, you still are the one and only one for me.

Truth is, there was a lot of things I wasn't telling you. My mom was struggling, running from my dad who almost killed her several times. I know I masked my issues and told you I was only upset because I missed my friends back in Florida. Truth is, I didn’t really have any friends. I was use to not having them so I tried to keep my distance from anyone… that is ..until I met you. I’ve never really belonged anywhere. I moved around with my mom to protect her from my father. He has ruined my life in more ways than you could ever understand. I know hearing this you’ll think I’m a liar, but not telling you was my way of protecting you. I mean what if my dad found us and found you? I couldn’t have anything happen to you.

I was going to tell you though. I thought I was finally free from my father and this unbreakable, terrifying silence. Two years was the longest I’ve ever stayed anywhere. It brought me joy to wake up every morning and not wonder if my mom is still down the hall sleeping peacefully, or if I would choke from breathing in the extreme and intoxicating smell of liquor and cigarettes. I thought it was my time to be happy. But, I should’ve known better than that. I let the weight be lifted off my shoulders prematurely. Being as naive as I was, I thought the weight disappeared, but all I did was pass them over to my mom. She started to worry more as I became more reckless. I ignored it, but she was crumbling under the weight of our worries and fear. I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable. I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, I just want you to understand that it was no one’s fault but mine.

On your birthday,everything went to shit. You were having your party and I was so excited to go. My mom never really relaxed, but that day, she smiled in a way I barely recognized.. She was happy that I was finally happy. I knew more than ever that she wished she could’ve given me a normal childhood. From there you know that story, we had a blast. I left your house around 1:00 in the morning. The best night of my life. But I could almost see my peace and happiness fly out of the door when I got home to my crying, shaking, and petrified  mother. I saw the letter in front of her. If I can’t have you, no one can! Taped to a brick that laid amongst the remnants of  my front window. I don’t know when the note came, but at that point, all I could think, feel, breathe, was anger. I was happy, you were my happiness. I couldn’t..we couldn’t leave again. She knew it as much as I.

Once more I was afraid and I knew I couldn’t leave my mom alone again. That's why I was missing so many days of school. Not because of doctors or dentists appointments, or workouts or any other lame reason I used to spare you from worrying. It was Sunday night, June 2nd. I came home from the gym to see three bullet holes in my living room walls. I walked to the basement and found him with his shotgun. My mom on the floor crying. He was drunk, again, and delirious.

You left me! I told you I didn't want you to leave and you left! Without saying goodbye! With MY son! You are the devil! Go back to hell!

That anger that I had been at bay for two years, took over my body. I couldn’t think straight anymore. I heard the gunshot. Was that it? Did he really kill her? All that running and hiding, for nothing? Everything lay quiet and still. Then I saw blood gushing from dear old daddy’s head as he lay dead on the floor. Was he drunk enough to shoot himself? How stupid. Then I saw my mom stand up, and take the shotgun from my hands.

We have to go. I won’t let you go to jail for me.

I had no idea why she said that. No idea that it was me who pulled the trigger.  

Here I am. In Spain, calling you. I love you, I’ve always loved you. I’ve played how this conversation would happen in my head at least 300 times already. But I think I have come to terms with the fact that it will never happen in person… because I don’t think I will ever see you again. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m not saying this to have you pity me, I just thought I owed you an explanation.  I---

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