Regrets And Gateways

*scene opens up with wind blowing*

E-excuse me sir, do you have any e-extra change on you that you don’t need? *Gasp* I'm not going to use the money you give me for drugs, I’m not a crackhead! Sir, sir, listen, I am so sorry for screaming at you, I-I-It's just that I-Am hungry a-and Im cold, I just really need some money……………………….Well fuck off then don't walk in this direction ever again!

*Another person walks past*

Hi, do you have any money for me, I’ll give you something in return. *Flirtatious*

*Gasp* *sadly looks down at the two pennies she have in her hand*

Why do-do p-people keep calling me a crackhead? I’m just a homeless woman...who lost everything she had because her house got taken away for drugs. Bbbut that doesn't mean that doesn't mean that i'm a crack head, it just means I was around it a lot

*pauses*

Oh who am I kidding? Why am I lying to mys *Pauses due to interruption* mind your damn business, I can talk to myself If I want to!

Ignorant ass people, now, where was I? What happened to me? I’m worse than what I was in high school! A very depressed kid who couldn’t find who she was because she’d always listen to the negativity others would bring to her. Me, I was the person who was bullied from third grade because *pauses* *sniffle* B-because I use to come to school with bruises on my body, all the way through high school, because I was the quiet girl with a drunken father who always came to the school to argue with the teachers about notes being sent home regarding bruises on my body.

After my first time smoking weed, I relied on it as a fake coping mechanism. I knew I could deal with my father beating me senseless every night, but, I chose not to. I chose to escape from reality. Soon, it became an addiction, and a gateway to cocaine.

I got so addicted, I just couldn't be me without it.

I numb the pain with the drugs because I lost touch of the Lord, I lost touch of myself because I'm living in a world so fake, I lost touch of the real me.

I c, I can’t take it nomore, everytime I try to change, I go back to the same things! This is karma, It's coming all at once because I was so stupid in high school. *gets mad* I was stupid for following the crowd. Getting drunk and smoking weed at a tenth grade party. I thought it was so innocent at first, like “this cant harm you, this won't harm you, you're just having fun Mariana. You know when to stop you know better, Mariana.”

Of course I didn’t reach for help when I knew it became a problem. I didn't have anyone to turn to, because every time I would try to talk about my situation, my p-p-pops would just s-slap me senseless and tell me to shut the fuck up and handle it myself. To stop bitchin about any and every thing. *wipes tear* He’s been an alcoholic abuser since my mom left him, since she left us.

How could she, how could she leave me with him knowing how he was. I couldn't stay with him so I packed my bags and left when I was 17 to live with my friend. And things didn't go so well because he was arrested soon, his house was taken away for drugs.

Now what? Im 21 years old living on the street with no job or thought of the future. I am a disgrace to mankind, it's time for me to make a change. It's time for me to go to rehab and get my life together because I don't give a fuck if I go to jail, I much rather be clean in jail or rehab, than stay out here in the cold dangerous world. I can’t believe, I can’t believe I ran away from the one person I loved, the one person that always had my back, the one person I trusted, and the one person and that one person was me. Now its time for me to find myself and discover my true identity.