4/18 story

I had an awkward kind of day today. I can't really describe it. I have a lot of emotions going on...and I found out something about myself.

See I've been sick for the past week, so I haven't really been on moodle. This morning I woke up and scrambled to get to school today...only to find out that spring break has started. I made it all the way to the school, pulled on the door, and found that it was locked. I called Evett asking
"did spring break start?" she said
"Yea"
"Well thanks for telling me while I'm sitting in front of the school"
"Oh? I though you knew"

I told my mom and she drove me back home. We were both unhappy. I felt like a fool. I should have known, I should have looked online or asked someone...but the "proud" piece of my spirit was angry. I felt like someone should have told me that school was closed, that someone should have kept me in the loop, that my friend's should have had my back.

In a blind fury, I stopped talking to my friends...well that's what I put on my headline. Perry messaged me, and (like a true bitch) took it out on her. That she should've told me, that I was upset, and how I didn't want to talk. She told me that she did tell me, that she did let me know. I felt my pride get knocked down a few pegs as well as grow. At that point I just said that I was stupid and just left it at that.

Mom and I left the house and went on a shopping spree. I couldn't really enjoy myself, because I knew how much of a jerk I was. In that, I also saw some of my own flaws...

I realized that I was too dependent on others, that I never really rely on myself to do things. I realized that I have my father's short fuse and how much trouble it causes. I realized how thin skinned I still am and how much I really hated myself.

Mom bought me new skirts and a dress for school, then we decided to drive to jersey. We saw a car crash on the way there. The Idea of death scared me again...and I started thinking about my dad. I realized that I was not ready to die even though that's way far away...

I went to old navy and bough more clothes. I felt some what better; not mad but I felt the guilt from everything.

We came home, and I started typing this. I really don't know why I made this my daily story. I felt like maybe if I vented in a public place then I wouldn't have anything to hide or something...and If Perry and Evett see this and they get mad then I will take it down, willingly and come up with something else...I guess I just wanted...something...I don't know what I want...

Oh, and by the way, in writing all of this, I forgot to say that I'm still sick with an infection. I have a cough so bad that it keeps me from eating...

I realized how weak I truly am today :/