The Menu of My Brain

Is seated on a chair

Waiter gives menu(invisibly)

 *Gives a nervous smile and a small chuckle*

looks at menu and then looks up*

 Oh no…. what the hell do I even want. Why is it always like this everytime I go out to eat? It’s like I don't even know myself well enough to choose a single damn thing.

*Person looks at menu at points at things* *sighs*

I could have the- no that's too uhm- OH, how about the- hmm... noo. Maybe i'll just have the ew... Nope. no thanks. Ugh, why did I not think ahead and look at the menu online or just go my regular place, why did I need to feel the need to  go here anyways, time is money. I could be working right now. I'M SUCH A FOOL. Google is my best friend, ALWAYS! and yet…. I couldn't even ask what the hell what was on the menu for this place? Wow me! I kinda just came here anyways, cause she told me so much about it. How much she wanted to come here… Mom-

*Sees waiter coming, panics*

(In a nervous tone) No i'm- I'm not ready yet. T-t-thank you.

      (shakes head)  It's not like I don't k-know what’s on my brain. I-I know what’s on my brain , i-i want some food. AGHH. In the crevices of my brain the-there’s all that stuff that I learned in high school, then t-there’s all that stuff the teacher said to k-ee-ep at the back of my brain c-cause it go-gonna be on the test, i-i-relevant really .... oh, oh and then there's all th-those witty remarks mom used to tell me in response to all m-m-my stupid ones. (grows grim and sad) I miss her. I really do...s-s-she would h-help me when I started to panicking , a-and be-begin to stutter like this e-even though I-I wasn’t a-always like this.  (takes deep breath) She w-would be proud (takes deep breath then sighs again, goes to normal tone), that i'm “exploring new foods.” She loved food. If only I took her to places before she died….to this place... Hmpf, death. That’s a meal she never should never have swallowed…. However, if she were here she would tell me to not be nervous, to be brave I suppose, and explore new aspects of different things, and to just choose the damn dish that I wanted already, but i would tell her, it ain't that simple. I’d tell her that I think it’s my fault that she died, because family never fails to tell me so, I’d tell her that because of that, the choices I make have to be articulated before hand so I don’t regret everything I do...because I already do. I feel that way mom. And if you think otherwise you're wrong. Look at the menu of my brain mom, look at it, it’s filled with memories of empty actions….regrets…. regrets that I could have avoided, but i I didn’t. When you were alive I spent most of my precious time working overtime. We needed the money. At least, I thought we did.  All that time that I could have spent on you…..  I don’t deserve to be in this damn place without you here… I-I already feel empty…. hah(chuckles) and the fact that i’ve been trying to fill my emptiness with-

     “Oh, uhm, food, m-my order? hah, yeah uh... (looks at time, fakingly), a-a-ctually, I-I uhm w-wasn’t really h-h-ungry anyways,  I-I have to go, I-Im so so, so sorry, b-but I-I have to go. T-Thank you.”

    (Walks out) I-it was never going to f-fucking work out anyways….(sighs) Happy Birthday Mom....