Watson Lit Log # 1 - I-If I h-had the guts.

De’Naiza Watson 11/22/2024 Pahomov College English

After Harding had stopped his rant, it became quiet. Eerily quiet. Almost as if a pin could drop and even the Big Nurse could hear it from wherever she was.

Then McMurphy spoke, softer than normal,

“ Are you guys bullshitting me?’, then it got louder.

“Are you guys bullshitting me!”, then it got quiet again.

Then he paced, up and down, back and forth, before he came and stopped near me. I felt his presence before I saw him. My back turned away from everyone else. My back was turned, but I was listening.

I was waiting for it, anticipating it.

I listened as he went on. Speaking, shouting, outraged.

“ You Billy – you must be committed for Christakes!”

“No”, I answered, still not facing the group.

“ You oughta be out running around in a convertible, bird doggin girls. Why do you stand for it?”

He quickly moved on from me. I was no longer interested in the machinery before me, with my back turnt, I listened.

“You could get along outside if you had the guts”, Murphy said aloud again, throughout his entire rant that is the moment that struck me, that’s what stood out.

Guts, if I had the guts. In that moment I can’t recall if I had felt angry, or if I had afterall been sad. Before I even realized, I turned around.

“ Sure!”, I yell the first time. The words came out louder than I had anticipated.

“ Sure” I shout a second.

That’s it, I remember now, I remember how I’d felt. I was angry. Not just at McMurphy, but at myself. If I had the guts. I wouldn’t be here. If I had the guts, who knows what I’d be doing right now.

“If we had the g-guts! I could go outside t-today, if I had the guts. My m-m-mother is a good friend of M-Miss Ratched, and I could get an AMA signed this afternoon, if I had the guts!”

Then I remember I got really angry. I got up and grabbed my shirt, I wanted to leave right now. I could show McMurphy I had guts. But then, I turned around again.

“You think I wuh-wuh-wuh-want to stay in here? You think I wouldn’t like a con-con-vertible and a guh-guh-girl friend? But did you ever have people l-l-laughing at you? No, because you’re so b-big and so tough! Well, I’m not big and tough. Neither is Harding. Neither is F-Fredrickson. Neither is Suh-Sefelt. Oh - oh, you - you t-talk like we stayed in here because we liked it! Oh - it’s n-no use …”

I wanted to keep going, I wanted to keep talking, but then my anger turned to sadness. I went, turned to run, then I don’t really remember much of what happened after that.

It’s silly to me, because on paper I’m normal. As I sit and write to you. You’d have no idea what was wrong with me.I aint deaf like Broom, I dont got any weird thoughts in my head.I envy McMurphy, not for the reason everyone else thinks. He’s got a confidence about him that separates him from us. Maybe if I had the guts, nobody would know what’s wrong with me.

If I had the guts.

Reflection: The stylistic choice I chose to make during my writing was to have Billy Bibbit narrate a scene where he got emotional. I chose to focus on Billy intellectually instead of Billy socially. There’s nothing serious that separates Billy from a normal person besides his stutter, and his childlike appearance. He’s consciously thinking, and he’s consciously making choices and decisions like an adult would. He’s not behind. In those scenes, having it narrated from Bromden’s perspective doesn’t help show a lot of the big emotions that can come with the scenario. Especially in Billys case. Billy has a severe stutter, and as someone with a stutter, it’s something I could relate to on a personal level. People working through stutters or having them doesn’t make them lesser in the brain department and that’s a point I wanted to get across by Billy breaking down scenarios in order to better understand between character and reader.