Who Am I? Revision
“Why
do I have to do this?” It was all I could think about while I continued my 7th
grade project. It touched on all the things that I had always tried to avoid. I
had to describe myself. When asked to describe myself as a simple beginning of
the year question I have always kept my answers short, simple, uncreative and
each time the answer was generally identical. It was the thing I hated most in
the world. Why? Maybe I didn’t understand myself. But to be given a whole
project on that subject alone, it felt like my stomach had just done a
somersault. So I just sat there, thinking, who am I?
So
many years have past but this lingering question has still followed me. Even
after finishing the project I was still uncertain of whom I was, and made it a
basic project. My life has always been filled with so much uncertainness. As a
result I have always been indecisive in all my decisions, even the simplest
decisions. Who do I want be? What
will I become? I wonder why it was so hard for me. Was I afraid?
Was
I fearful? The more I thought about it, the more it kind of made sense. When
spending time with a group of my friends I am usually loud and extroverted.
Playing video games on our laptops like Call of Duty 4, Spore and mine craft.
We are hyper, running around messing with each other and joking around.
Sometimes sit around talking and chill, awaiting the next class. In class it is
always a different story. It is like a switch was flipped on me. Shy, hesitant;
peers would hardly know I was there. I was always terrified to share my
thoughts, so I nearly always kept my hands down. And when I actually did put my
hand up every once in a blue moon, there was a huge round of applause from
everyone in the class like it was the most amazing thing they have seen.
Embarrassment was definitely a factor.
So was it my lack of detail in explaining myself.
Like when I did the descriptive writing essay. As I
was staring at that 6x4 photo in my brightly lit, slightly messy room, trying
to figure it out, it seemed impossible. First of all, I have never been good at
descriptive writing for the last 15 years of my life. For my assignment I
was told to write a thorough description of a piece of art important to you, so
I chose a photo that I treasured. Even though I treasured it, I realized that I
never really looked at it, I didn’t even remember the reason I treasured it. I
looked at it sideways, backwards and even measured it, but still, nothing. So I
finally looked at, looking for anything and everything. As I stared at the
photo intensely, like it was the most interesting thing in the world, all I
could see were the obvious points. In the photo were both my grand mother and
my little brother Nathaniel when he was around 4 or 5 years old. So I looked at
closer, staring at my brother’s old braided hair,
looking at the old him, it was like staring into the past. He was older now,
with shaved hair; I had forgotten what he used to look like. So I continued to
stare at it, remembering lost memories, trying to recall anything and
everything.
But
no matter how many questions these answered my main one was yet to be answered,
who am I? So I just sat there and thought. I thought about everything that had
happened to me up to now. I tried and tried and tried. I wanted to remember
something to answer my question.
I
found it, the answer. It was in
piece of me writing that I had forgotten. Something I shared out despite the
fear and embarrassment.
They say I’m not
American
I say
I am Jamerican
They say that I’m no
good
I say
I know how to rise above
stereotypes and be good
So
Don’t judge me by the
fact I came from the hood
They say my people are
all a shame
I say
I am not the same
They say I’m not
anything I’m hopeless
I say
Stop the dumbness
Instead
I’m gonna stay out the
darkness
To rise to greatness
This
poem reminds me of who I am, I am different, think different, and do things
different. It might take me a while to completely understand myself, but that
is ok. As I head out on my own path, I know it’ll all be fine. I am undefined
and I am fine with that. I doubt anyone else understands himself or herself
either, so why should I sweat it. Things would be boring if I knew everything
about myself, life would be boring, and without the challenges I have, like
being shy, I would have no motivation to improve upon myself. I’ll keep up
becoming better, and then I’ll meet my goal of knowing who I am. I can’t wait
till I get to meet myself. The same goes for all of you. Your true may not be
as far as you think.
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