Yo-Yo Yossarian

Yo-Yo Yossarian

(A soldier walks into his tent with anger clearly written all over his face.)

I have had it up to here with this squadron. First they make fun of my name then, Colonel Cathcart won’t let me go home. What’s wrong with him (Pauses shortly) ALL OF THEM!!! I did all of my missions! First there were 55 missions and after that 60 then 70. To believe that everyone else is actually able to stand flying all of those missions is insane! Nately and Orr don’t care. In fact Nately likes it. Orr doesn’t care how many times he gets shot down as long as he gets to fly again. I have to live here in this hellhole until Cathcart finally decides to stop raising missions. These people actually want to stay here in Pianosa when they can easily spend some time with me in Rome and get a few whores to ficky-fick with. I can’t wait till I get to go to that whore house in Rome and ficky-fick all of those whores. Oh I hope Luciana is there with her buxom hips she flaunts around. When I ogle that ass at night I never get bored. That should have made Orr want to accompany me. Even after I offered Orr, he shoots down the offer and calls me by that GODFORSAKEN nickname. ALL OF THEM call me by that name! How can they even?! Do they know their names are just as crazy as mine. I mean there’s Havermeyer, Orr, Dobbs, Chief White Halfoat, Daneeka, Appleby, Clevenger, Aardvark. I mean his name is an animal for crying out loud!! (He sits down and brushes his hand through his hair) I mean it’s not even my  first name. My first name is plain and simple. It’s John. So what if my last name is Yossarian... I’m the best bombardier on Pianosa. I’m gonna kill Cathcart one day for forcing me to stay on this damned island in the middle of World War II! I swear if someone calls me Yo-Yo one more time they better hope they aren’t in the plane with me on any of my missions! You know what they say. I am going to live forever or die in the attempt... And I don’t care who I take down with me as long as no one EVER calls me Yo-Yo instead of Yossarian again! Not even just that but Milo won’t stop trying to sell people chocolate covered cotton! He stole all of our parachutes just to get some silk to trade with for the cotton from Alexandria. He didn’t even tell us and I found out while crashing  into the Mediterranean! I mean what does he want me to do use a handkerchief! When he discovered that cotton wasn’t wanted on the black market he tries to give it to us coated in chocolate and call it a delicacy. On top of that Hungry Joe won’t shut up in the middle of the night with his godforsaken nightmares! (Emphasizes “he”) He’s got his own problems with Halfoat. Next time he screams in the middle of the night he’s gonna get his throat slit. Why is everyone so crazy!! Am I the only sane one here cause I know for sure that I am NOT crazy?! (Pauses and questions himself) Am I?