While reading The Handmaid’s Tale, the Pages 134–137 makes me wonder, what makes a story worth telling? What makes a story believable and different from the rest of the crowd? Something that makes me wonder this and not only that, but, relate to it is when Offered said this; “It’s impossible to say a thing exactly the way it is, because what you say can never be exact, you always have to leave something out, there are too many parts, sides, crosscurrents, nuances, too many gestures, which could mean this or that, too many shapes which can never be fully described, too many flavors, in the air or on the tongue, half-colors, too many.” q. – 134. This made me think back onto what my Grandma said. I remember a time where my Mother was trying to figure out who drank her soda and I got so frustrated although I didn’t do it, but my Grandmother said to me, “As long as you didn’t do it, you have nothing to be worried about, no matter how many times you get accused of it.” And in this moment when reading this chapter that’s all that filled my mind. Page 136 is where I started to question things and I started to feel intrigued but not in a happy way. In the middle section of the chapter, before reading it, what catches my attention is when Offred says, “We are for breeding purposes: we aren’t concubines, geisha girls, courtesans. On the contrary: everything has been done to remove us from that category. There is supposed to be nothing entertaining about us, no room is to be permitted for the flowering of secret lusts; no special flavors are to be wheedle, by them or us, there are to be no toeholds wombs, that’s all: sacred vessels, ambulatory chalices. So why does he want to see me, at night, alone?” and that made me feel uneasy. What did she mean? That’s all I could think of at first but as I took notes and really thought more about this; Offred was right. To me she was objectifying herself but she was also correct. In Gilead the women are used for pleasure, entertainment, and labor, and not only that but many of them are brainwashed into believing that this is how life is supposed to be due to God wanting this for women, while as for the rest, they believe that they are being punished or put through a test or lesson. As I continue reading page 136, Offred states how she could become an “Un-Woman”, what is that? She refers to this after saying how if she’d get caught by Serena Joy (SJ). She then states that if she chooses to not see the Commander, there could be worse consequences that come her way. I guess this would make sense because he has more power than her, their dynamic is awkward, sometimes it seems like the Commander has less power than she does, but that’s for another moment. “There’s no doubt who holds the real power,” Offred quotes on page 136. Something that I did think about was how Offred says that the Commander must be weak or expressing a weakness, to want something is to be weak. “But there must be something he wants, from me. To want is to have a weakness. It’s this weakness, whatever it is, that entices me. It’s like a small crack in a walk, before now impenetrable. If I press my eye to it, this weakness of his, I may be able to see my way clear. I want to know what he wants.” What I find to be intriguing about this is the more we read into Offred’s mind, the more she talks about how she’s never been in the forbidden room, not even Serena Joy (SJ) has been inside of this room. And not only that, it’s only ever cleaned by the Guardians. On page 137, Offred describes the room, but then says how she might just cry and the Commander seems very empathetic. Like huh? This confused me. I thought Commanders were supposed to be stern and clear with their intent– only follow orders. He gives her a frown and offers her a seat, he literally pulls the chair out for her to sit. He then smiles at her and she describes it as a normal smile… nothing suspicious. I fell off– what did he really want from Offred and why was he only doing this to her? What made her different from the rest? What made her stand out?

In chapter 7, Offred is talking to Moira, who said she did a paper on Date Rape. Offered says, “Date rape, I said, you’re so trendy. It sounds like some kind of dessert. Date Rape.” Following with Moria laughing at Offered for her “joke” and then telling Offered to grab her coat. The two then leave the building that they were in and go on about their day. Offred is viewed as having a dark sense of humor, which again, is seen in chapter 16, the Commander just finishes up with having sex with SJ (Serena Joy) and Offred, and Serena is extremely irritated about all of this. “He nods, then turns and leaves the room, closing the door with exaggerated care behind him, as if both of us are his ailing mother. There’s something hilarious about this, but I don’t dare laugh.” It is seen that Offred mostly views many situations as funny, while also expressing high discomfort. But what exactly is this? This is, to me, being in an uncomfortable situation but using laughter as a way to cope with the situation no matter how bad it is. For me, back when my Father left my life for years, my way of coping was laughing and joking about it until the pain went away. But the pain never really goes away, does it? No. As time moves on you really get adjusted to the situation but the pain never really leaves. I feel as if I relate to Offred, in some situations she can control her laughter, but other situations, she just can’t because it’s uncontrollable. I know that feeling of feeling confused; not wanting to laugh but instead it just comes out unexpectedly and then you have everyone looking at you as if you’re crazy or a heartless person. The day when my cat passed away, I was hurt, my chest felt heavy and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. My hands were shaking as I held my small kitten Salem in my arms, his cold body resting within them. I stared down at him with a frown– but laughter followed. At the time I felt so bad for doing that. Why was I even laughing? I didn’t know. I knew I felt hurt, I knew that I didn’t want him to die, I knew that I tried my absolute best to save him– so I was just as confused as my family. He choked on a metal piece of– I don’t even know, or at least that’s what we assumed because that’s what it sounded like. I realized later on that I reacted that way because I was nervous, numb, and sad all at once. I think it was because that whole situation was unbelievable to me. I never experienced anything like it before; hence why I would laugh at it I guess. This goes for anything, the more I laughed at atrocious things happening, the more I came to the realization that this was nervous laughter, uncomfortable laughter, a coping mechanism that only I could understand. I remember when my sister talked about a woman who was raped, murdered, and then thrown into the dumpster. We all laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh like “oh this is funny”, we all looked at each other with confusion and shame. This goes back to the question of why? And I remember my oldest sister saying that this was a nervous condition, because her whole side of the family has it. And I just took those words from her and now I’m here. Sometimes, even when things aren’t funny, I laugh at them. Nervous condition. That was always my excuse for everything. But now, I genuinely believe it’s because I’m uncomfortable. There’s no way to reverse the situation, there’s no way to stop it, and when you have no control over it, all you can do is laugh. Just like Offred, she has nothing that she can do in that situation BUT laugh. I think the main reason I relate to her is because– not only do I not have control over those situations, laughing is the only amount of power I feel subjected to in those situations. It’s a weird thing to do, a weird way to express having power, but you find power in the small things when you realize how much power you really are restricted from having. I get it now.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VrIe41OKO8rPl5JcYb_vGlwoMa79DDHZ/view