Advanced Essay #1: Losing Control

Introduction:

My goal for this essay is to explain how my anger issues have controlled me. Throughout the essay I talk about how I am striving to gain better control on my temper. I mainly describe what I do when I’m angry and what has happened because of my anger. I want to improve on condensing my writing in my future considering there was a lot more I wanted to talk about and get to, but couldn’t considering the word count. I also want to improve on my use of figurative language like metaphors and also include more thoughtful dialogue.

Losing Control

I have always struggled to control my anger. My anger sparks at small things and builds up. I get angry and frustrated by looking at social media post, trying to solve problems I don’t understand, playing games, and just when things don’t go my way. I know I shouldn’t act the way I do, but sometimes I just can’t control myself. The first time I started noticing these anger issues was in middle school.

My friends and I always played wall ball at recess.  We played everyday but I was the worst out of all of us. Frequently fumbling the ball out of my hands. I always tried harder knowing this and got upset everytime I loss. One time I attempted to catch the ball and it slipped out of my hands towards my friend. I ran full sprint, not even bracing myself to stop before impact. I touched the wall and heard the thud at the same time, but I wasn’t sure whether I was first. Everyone told me I was out and I refused to accept it. I chucked the ball and throwing it away from the wall, I felt my index finger scrape across the wall as I threw, burning badly. I was already upset, Only taking a few seconds for me to start crying. I held my finger as people came to look. I was bleeding, not bad, but for a 5th grader it was a decent amount of blood. We examined it as I sniffled, tears pouring down my face. Something white was inside the cut, my friend Liam said “You gotta go to the nurse, I think that’s your bone.” I was terrified, I had never had a bad injury, I thought I was gonna lose my finger or permanently damage it. Without knowing it I had cause damaged to myself.

My experiences with gaming  also helped me realize how angry I get. I yell at my friends for the way they play, I blame other people for my mistakes and freakout. I often slam my fist onto my arm chair or desk.  The desk has suffered lots of damage. Underneath my mousepad lies two holes and dents from my fist slamming against the top layer. The desk being tired of my abuse retaliated everytime I hit it, if I slammed it hard enough it would turn off my computer by pulling wires, causing me to get disconnected. These periods were times to cool down and think. My keyboard is missing the S key because it popped out too many times from me slamming my desk. Once I moved to my dad’s I got a little better with my anger. More yelling as opposed to physically hitting my desk, mostly due to my desk at my father’s being a stronger material that leaves my hand sore for a few days after hitting it. When I get angry I can lose all control, the only thing I can think is “Where could I slam my fist down that it wouldn’t break anything.” However, as time goes on I improve on controlling these outburst. After every incident, I look back on how much I was overreacting only taking a few seconds to truly understand. I know these are only games, but my friends don’t understand that I can’t stop myself from reacting. I don’t enjoy getting angry and yelling at them, but sometimes it’s just the way I am.

My anger is a part of me, having been a factor in my life that has shown no signs of stopping. I’ve gotten better in controlling my anger towards most things other than games. I’ve learned that I can’t change the way I am, but I’d rather get furious about games than anything else. My anger issues are most likely from my father, throughout my life I have memories of hearing him throwing something across the room. Usually occurring if the team he was rooting for lost or messed up, and he’d throw the TV remote. To me I see that as his version of gaming. My anger is something that has gotten the best of me at times, ruining experiences for me. By understanding more, it has been easier to try and take back parts of my life.