Advanced Essay #1 Who is the real me?

Lights on Lights off Johnny! My mother angrily said. This was not the first time this has happened. “Why are you still awake?” “You need to rest” “Wake up we are going somewhere”. Those are my memories of my mother. The switching of the lights are the same as my emotions. Lately my mother had enough. THOSE ELECTRICAL CURRENTS MAY KEEP THAT DEVICE ALIVE, BUT IT WILL NOT KEEP YOU ALIVE! mother shouted. My mother never understood me. I was just a kid trying to fit in. Making my personality like what I see. A smooth greased hair back greaser, or a jacket wearing football jock, or a glasses wearing know it all nerd. Trying to fit into a school where I had to choose who I wanted to hang out with. I could not fit with the others. So I would switch through them each an every day. It eventually became second nature to me. Till this day I still switch my personalities. I do not feel comfortable to show the real me, even though I do at times mess up and reveal the real me. A quiet male, not wanting to be near people. I remember the first time when I entered this school education system. I did not know where to place myself. I had the name Jonathan Saldivar, however I did not know if it felt right for me. Throughout my life I would just ignore that name and instead go by Johnny Saldivar. I felt like my name would be a name that will go far. Mostly everyone would ask me why do you not go by Jonathan? Why do you go by Johnny? I would just stay being quiet. Words may not be said out loud, but no one ever said they can not be said in my head. I always have judgments on everyone whether they are a good or bad. I am just another human being. When it comes to my talents/skills I tend to spark and when it comes to a time where I do not find myself confident I tend to hide and stay back. “Johnny you should participate more”. “Johnny you are a great student I just wish you would talk more in class”. I do not talk more because if I am not confident and answer the question wrong then I will like I embarrassed myself. I want to learn but I do not like failing. Whenever I have to speak in public I feel like a turtle or snail going into their shell for protection. Social anxiety puts a me in a dark spot where their is no light. “Johnny! Are you alright?” Yeah I am even though I stay looking down at the floors tile. The dirty that is on the floor reminds me of how I can not find a way to break out of this cage I am in. It creates an image within my head thinking what I could be doing instead. I do not like talking to people, I feel a heavy weight pulling me down so I can not speak. I open my mouth but the words will not come out. “Johnny!” Yes I responded. “Why are you not talking.” I just lost myself in my thoughts sorry.