Changing Self

The clock strikes a minute after midnight. January 1st 2016. As the music from my parents annual party blast from the floor under me.  I stick my head out the window and inhale the fresh 2016 air. It’s cold and stings my skin but I don’t care. I hear a knock on my bedroom door,

“Come back down and get something to eat before I eat it all.” says my little sister before I hear her running back down the steps. Before I go, I turn off all my lights and get down on my knees to  pray,

“Heavenly father please make these 6 months go by fast so I never have to be in this horrible school again. These last 4 months were the worst months of my life. Thank you for sending my abusers away forever. Amen.” I finished my prayer and walk back downstairs to the party. It’s bright with life.   Relatives catching up by the silver fireplace. Family friends sip on Merlot and rock their body´s to the slow beating music. My parents are in their own world because this day 22 years ago was the day they made their love official.

“Happy anniversary babe.” My dad says, kissing my mom intensely. She replies “Happy anniversary Dave, 22 years down , a lifetime to go.” They kiss again. I watch the setting and become unusually happy. I come back to my daunting reality and realize less than 72 hours from now i'll be back in the place that caused me more pain then a lifetime.  A dark cloud parks himself on top of my head. They may be gone but their souls, words, and actions will always linger in the halls. The rest of the night is a blur and when it's almost over the last dance of all the couples begin.  As their wedding song comes to an end so does the party

“What are you doing New Years? New Years Eve.”

3 days later I’m back in the hallways of building 21 scared lonely and anxious. I don’t go to class because I know  I won’t learn anything and don’t want to be subjected to the verbal abuse. I need to be a quiet spot.  I walk down the hallway eyes on the floor at all times. The observers talk about the events that transcended. They will not forget. I can feel my peers burning their eyes into me. They see right through me.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” a muttered voice says.  I finally exhale, someone sympathizes me.

“That bitch deserved it. She’s dumb as fuck. Next time instead of letting her fake ass friends pipe her head up she shoulda walked away. She bout it but she ain’t bout it.” They both laugh. I keep walking and finally find a quiet enclosed place. My emotions are so mixed up and confused and so I begin to write. Writing has always been my source of tranquility, my escape from whichever sad predicament I face at that moment. It helps me think but sometimes I drown in my thoughts. My “friends” told me to be tough or I couldn’t hang with them. So I was tough.  I remember that day exactly.  My friend and i were sitting at a hallway table doing our homework. Suddenly Gina appeared,giving both my friend and I the evil eye. I look at her and remember when we first best friends.How did we get here?

“Do you want to fight?” I asked sitting up straight in my seat.  

“Tai if she touches you Imma fuck her up” my friend says looking back down at her phone carelessly. Gina laughs.

“You won’t do anything , we can fight after school” she states, rolling her eyes and storming away. My friend and I both laugh, because in remembrance the last time Gina fought someone she lost without even thinking about.  Later that day, school is out and Gina & I are fighting. Kids circle around us, recording laughing and yelling. How did I get here? We keep fighting and I win. Suddenly , her aunts appear and they all decide to fight me at once. All of them well beyond 20 years of age. Where were my friends now? I look and see they’re sitting down on some person’s step observing. Then it was over. I left with a migraine and temporary blindness in my right eye. Later on that night, I lay in my wooden bed and drown in my endless thoughts.

“Why did  I fight her? I don’t even like to fight. In times of need why didn’t the people who I worshipped and thought would be there for me weren’t?” I only fought that girl because that's what my friends told me to do. A year before that I would never really fight anyone because I thought it was unnecessary but the people who I was friends with last year never wanted to fight. That's when I realized that the transition from going to middle school to high school didn’t just change physically. But the people, settings and feelings did. Around my middle school friends fighting was not a thing. We were having too much fun to be fighting but when I got around different people in high school all they cared about was fighting. They loved it, they gained a high off of it. Watching two people fight for no apparent reason. Or in my case fighting multiple people at once. I knew some things had to change. Not them but me.

“You can’t sit here, go find a empty classroom to sit in ma’am.” Says a hallway monitor. I come back to reality. As I grab my stuff and leave the small corner area I was sitting in trying to avoid any human interaction. I realize the change I speak of is already happening.  I isolated myself from everyone. I ignore everything whether its positive and negative. It's wonderful. The remainder of the 6 months until Im gone from that place goes by slowly at first, because I’m not used to isolation and being quiet all the time. Friendless and alone wasn’t me but then overtime it was. It felt good. Observing everyone else’s unnecessary drama unfold and it was unfolding what seemed like every day. As the year comes to an end and I regained happiness and anticipation that I will never have to step back into building 21 again.