Diagnosed

Often time, when defining violence, the first things that seem to come to mind are the physical aspect of it. However, we often forget about the harm it can pose and have on a person's mind and emotion.  It can result in someone going into a deep depression, grief and even becoming  traumatized, things all caused by the mind. Mental harm and violation can take much time to heal, just as with physical violence.  This is because the mind is very powerful. It is the place in where mental violence occurs. The mind is often referred to as the “devil's playground” a place, when not guarded carefully can become someone's source of turmoil and pain. This is when it becomes damaging, the same way in which  physical violence is. It changes a person's character, and can turn a once stable mental state into an unstable one. I am a victim of mental violence and am a witness to this. Here is my story.

I gasped as the cool marble of the wall met with my neck. It was a warm summer day, and the cool air condition of the building that affected the temperature of the inner walls should have been refreshing. However, it was not refreshing, but uncomfortable and chilling. My blood ran cold, and my skin pricked from the coolness of the stone. It felt as if my heart would explode from my chest. His fingers slid around my throat, damp and sweaty. His stench burned my nostrils. “Ha, ha finally got you right where I need you.”  “No please stop, I said”, as he came in close to me his grip on my neck getting tighter. Just as his lips were about to meet mine, I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could and pushed him off of me. Breathing heavily, I stared at him my eyes wide with terror. I was never walking down that dark hall of the building by myself again. It was the year 2013, and soon after this was the time in which I would I become a victim of mental violence and the power it would later hold on life.  This was the year I was sexually harassed at a six week summer program, by three boys. I was only  thirteen and at this time, I was one of the many who just viewed violence as just physical harm.  I had yet to realize, just how much more the grief,  the mental violence would bring me  more than the physical.

I  also did not  know much or understand the signs of sexual harassment, but was very much aware of how uncomfortable it made me feel and dreaded mostly each day and moment of the program when I knew I would have to see those boys. I would often time try to hide and blend in between my groups of friends, keeping my head low when they would walk by, or sometimes changing my hair or take off my earrings,  to make me appeal “less attractive” to them. I thought that this would make them leave me alone. However it didn’t, instead the harassment seemed to escalate. From squeezing my butt, or grabbing me from behind, and even pinning me against walls, to verbally fighting over me. I kept my mouth shut , from the teachers, friends, and even my parents.

Although my mouth was shut, my mind was screaming. It felt as if I would explode from the turmoil I was experiencing in my mind. I became traumatized, often times waking up at night screaming and even panicking when being in a certain place or part of the building. The more I gave power to this mental violence, the slower I was to heal. In the future, when I would date other boys, I would scream at the slightest touch at a certain area , or cringe because of the discomfort, although years ago I had yet to heal from.  I had not only been  physically violated but also mentally violated. I had become diagnosed with mental violence and was experiencing the symptoms. The mental way in which it effected me became worse, and I would often times wake up in the night crying, and wake up in the mornings dreading having to go the program.  Even to this day,  I still struggle from the effects of being touched by them in inappropriate ways . and sensitive to the way I am handled.

Just as I have suffered  from the effects and impact of mental violence years and months after the incident,  upon returning from war, many veterans and soldiers experience symptoms of mental violence. Commonly known as PTSD or even  survivor’s guilt. In Moral Wounds After a War, an discussion forum with  a soldier expresses the way in which violence became mental after the war and changed his character. He quotes,  “Something is changed. You know, you feel down to your spirit. You know that you’re different now. You know, we don’t really have a consciousness of our own spirit until it’s wounded, and then it needs help.” After the war, this veteran  could not only feel that there  was a change in himself,  but could feel a change in  his consciousness. Consciousness is the mental awareness of the mind, and because of PTSD it was negatively affected. He states that often times you don’t notice that you have been mentally wounded until it begins to hit you and you begin to experience the symptoms. Upon experiencing the symptoms, you then realize that it is as a wound, needing help. Thus, showing the mental violence effects can go as deep as changing your character and the way in which you view things around you. Another soldier,  Michael Abbatello  still reports to suffering symptoms of mental violence, “ Michael Abbatello is still suffering from the guilt that his unit wasn’t there to protect an Afghan father who had provided intelligence on the enemy to the Marines.”

The guilt Michael is suffering from is something known as “Survivors Guilt,” which is remorse or even shame a veteran experiences after the war, due to the deaths of soldiers who worked alongside of them.” Often times with Survivor's Guilt, surviving soldiers feel as though they could have done more to protect and to save another soldier, and can struggle with guilt for years and months after a war. These symptoms although not physical,   mental struggles for soldiers, and can greatly affect their lifestyles, and their characters. Both survivors’ guilt and PTSD, can go as far as depression, grief, and even traumatizing flashbacks. According to Veteran Statistics of PTSD, as many as 11% of Veterans suffer from PTSD daily. A symptom, that requires much healing. Harmful to the mind and spirit.

Just as these veterans and I, and other victims of mental violence, it is a discomfort. Sometimes you do not even know you are a victim of it, until your mind becomes subject to it. It took weeks, for me to realize that the battle against my physical harassment, was not just with physical violence but with my mental violence. Taking the same time to heal and to adjust to as was for the veterans. Also, just as these veterans realized a change in themselves, I realized and tried to become a change to myself through my appearance and even with my mindset. I allowed for my mindset to be weakened and experienced my own form of PTSD. I allowed for it to have the power over me, and struggled against it. As they blamed themselves, I blamed myself, for being “so attractive that I gained their attention.” I blamed myself  for applying to the program and even being scared into my own silence. It took a while for me to realize that this was not my fault, it was my harassers. They had no reasons to do what they did to me, and put me through the torment they did. I had nothing to do with their choice and decision. As with the veterans, it was not their faults a certain soldier had died or that they were in their predicament in the first place. It was their fault that the world and the country by which they were fighting chose war over peaceful resolution. It was their faults’ that were drafted against their will and made to fight in the war.

Even to this day,  I still struggle from the effects of being touched by them in inappropriate ways . and sensitive to the way I am handled. However the difference between back then and now, is that I now am old enough and more aware of the symptoms of mental violence ,and can later use this to heal from the wounds that has so long scarred my mind.