​Loss, Depression, and December 17th, 2015

January 8th, 2017

English Quarter 2 Benchmark

Loss, Depression, and December 17th, 2015

Thursday, December 17th, 2015,  I sat on the grass of the Cira green roof park, ignoring the sound of my fellow students laughing, chatting, and having fun. The final few days leading up to the holiday break are normally filled with great joy and spending quality time with the people I love and care about. Yet I sat there alone, as reality crushed hope and realism slayed optimism. The cold breeze and cloudy, dark sky didn't help to my situation either. I sat looking out at my city. The beautiful, chaotic concrete jungle I call home. A view that never gets old for me, yet  I could not connect myself to it. I couldn't get the upcoming events out of my head.

For the past few months, My Great Grandmother had been getting more and more sick. The doctors had given her months, then weeks, then days to live over the span of less than half a month. She was the foundation of my mother's side of the family, and losing her seemed impossible to me. I couldn’t imagine a world in which Abuelita wasn’t sitting in her signature recliner when we went to visit. However her condition was the worst it had ever been. She had stopped moving and eating, and she hadn’t said a word in weeks. The impossible was becoming possible, and I was trying to hold on to that impossibility for as long as I could.

On our way home that evening, my family and I told one another that things were going to be ok. That Abuelita was going to be ok. At that moment, my grasp onto the impossible slipped. It hit me that sooner or later my beloved Abuelita was going to pass. Immediately I shut myself off and turned on autopilot, somehow getting through the night doing the minimal. I was prepping for the worse, but I had no idea it would hit so fast. Early the next morning, she passed away.

I successfully got through school that friday, the day of Abuelitas passing, without breaking down. However,  I was really going through a lot of pain on the inside. My friends Nate and Asher kept me company as I took my lunch period to go out and take some pictures for photography class. My face was covered up by the camera for almost all the shots where I was visible, except for one. A selfie with the  three of us. Nate, his happy self. Asher, his goofy self. Me, dead. My face was the pinnacle of depression. Looking back at that day, that was the result of me burying all the shit I was feeling extremely deep down and ignoring myself. It was the punishment I put myself though for not staying home to deal with what I was going though.

The world did not stop. Everything continued as is. Except for me. I had stopped walking but the world continued to spin. I felt as if I had been driving a car at a hundred miles an hour, however suddenly the car vanished. Leaving me flying with a collision course with the ground. Even though the world hadn’t changed, I had. I was kicked back and forced to attempt to adapt to a new, foreign society where the holiday season was in full swing. Happiness, family, and all this positive energy that I had begun to hate a few weeks back, however now i despised it. I had been disconnected from the cheer and festive spirit, and wasn’t ready for the challenge of trying to function in such a place where I felt like the oddball.

Even though the Holidays are all about spending time with loved ones, I wish it was under better conditions. Family from Florida came to stay with us, but It wasn’t for the reason of the season. They came for Abuelitas viewing and funeral. Trying to keep myself composed, it wasn’t much help hosting family. Obviously, I love them, but this was a time where I’d rather be alone, contrary to what my parents and family suggested, along with every damn song on the radio.

Monday, December 21st, 2015. Another day of choosing to go to school even though I clearly wasn’t fit for the job.  I dragged myself through the day, putting my emotions wherever I could. Not knowing how to express my emotions properly, I instead plowed through those seven God awful hours with terrible decisions and starting beefs that I wasn’t ready nor intended to cook. Any sympathy people had for me was taken away, which would’ve been a lot worse if I had attended school the final two days before break. Abuelitas Funeral saved me.

This was the beginning of my journey. Although there was plenty of build up dating back to freshman year, my tumble down the road of depression and coming back into a normal life kicked of with the passing of Abuelita. December of Sophomore year. Over a year later, I still haven’t fully transitioned back into the life and world I once knew. Honestly, I never think I can. This event shaped me more than any other experience in my life. Of course, I love my family and my friends. I’d catch a bullet for any of them any day. But Abuelita was the center of my heart. With that crucial piece of my life missing, everything came down.

Still working on myself, I’ve lost some touch with the world. Obviously I know what's going on, but I can’t relate or accept them like I used to. All the tragedies, family issues, an incoming Trump Presidency, I know they’re a thing. I simply can’t grasp them properly. Previously, I had a balance and connection between everything and my emotions. Now, that balance has been dismantled. I struggle to put the pieces together. Over the past year I definitely have improved, but that struggle still effects me on a day to day basis. I’ve been thrown through a loop, but at the end of the day I reflect on where I’ve come from. Nothing or nobody can replace my Great Grandma, but I know she would want me to stay strong. When it comes down to it, the only person who will never leave you is yourself, and you have to learn how to love and lean on yourself.