It feels lonely and cold to lock myself up like this. To hide from everyone, my entire family, all my friends, my peers, and people I love. To be unable to hold or physically touch the humans I care about..is the most unfortunate and torturing thing I have ever experienced and I believe there is no other person in this earth that goes through this conflict like I do. The fear and images that flash in my mind when I touch someone is unbelievable. To be able to predict someone’s death through a touch..is the worst gift anyone can ever receive.
My name is Kayler and when I was fourteen years old, I was riding the train to school in the morning. It was extremely crowded and I just needed to get to school on time. The train station I ride is one of the most popular train stations in my city to get to any part of the city you need to go to. Especially during rush hour, it made it worse, it was just packed, the train couldn’t hold anymore people and workers made announcement to ask riders to wait for the next train to arrive. Usually robberies do happen since I was getting on the station where most poverty exists. I saw a man in a black coat with a brief case running away from three policeman that was happening nearly a block away from me. He was running through people, shoving them and pushing them in order to escape from the cops.
The police kept yelling while chasing the man. I thought it was just a robbery, maybe he stole that brief case from someone. It was no surprise to me, it wasn’t the first time I saw a robbery happening while waiting for my train to head to school. I looked away and continued to listen to my MP3 player. Suddenly, I heard a huge explosion and the ground shook. I lost balance right away and fell onto the ground and everyone around me started screaming. People also fell and half my body was crushed by two other people and I could not hear anything after that. All I heard was faint yelling and crying, and my vision was blurry. I started to see some smoke and haze as I looked up, trying to pull my legs out underneath from someone else on top of me. I started to feel dizzy and passed out. I came to the conclusions that it was just a bomb explosion. I passed out and from that day, my life has not been the same.
It been a few months after the incident, I started catching buses to school instead of the train. My parents were traumatized by the small nuclear bomb explosion that happened months ago at my train station. It was closed for a while anyway and I don’t mind riding a few buses to school. It’s a lot less crowded than taking that train.
“Oh my god is already 8:10” I got off my last bus to walk to school, and started to speed walk and turned up my music louder. I was too busy trying to change the song on my MP3 player that I bumped into a lady shorter than me. I looked up and caught her by her shoulders. It was a senior citizen, a frail small lady.
“Sorry!” I felt bad, she looked startled even though I ran into her sofly . She just nodded and walked away.
I continued to walk the couple of blocks I had left. As I walked farther from her, I somehow had these thoughts I couldn’t control. I kept seeing images of her in my head getting hit by a car. It was so strange, why am I even imagining this happening to her? I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I couldn’t stop seeing it in my head. The exactly images was her crossing the street and a minivan didn’t break into and hit her, and she just tumbled over. Something didn’t feel right, my gut was telling to turn back around and go make sure she is okay.
As I pulled out my earphones and started to run backwards to find her two blocks down, I started to trembled at the thought. My palms got sweaty, my legs started shaking as I was jogging. I ran down the block to the stop sign and there she was. Laying on the ground in front of a minivan, passed out. A local crossing guard from the other street heard the car and went to go check. She started yelling that the senior citizen no longer has a pulse. If only I was faster, she wouldn’t had died. If only I hadn’t touched her, maybe I wouldn’t had saw that coming. It was a strange feeling,
“How did this thought come to my mind?”
“Why? how did I know she gonna get hit by a car?”
I ask myself a lot of question that day, but it just a mystery. I can't answer my own question. I got to school late that day. In class instead of pay attention to my teacher and learn how the earth orbit around the sun. I was in wonderland trying to answer these mystery question.
Times go by really fast, it had been 5 years after that crazy incident happen with the lady. I’m nineteen years old attending to a university near home now . I was getting dressed for a close friend’s birthday dinner party. I was anxious because I can’t wait to take pictures and I heard there’s going to be a really special surprise there by my best friend’s boyfriend, Kevin specifically for my Katrina. I arrived to the dinner party and we are having an amazing time. Later that night when is time for my her to cut the her cake. The light are off and Kevin slowly walk out the the crow and pull out the ring in front of Katrina.
“Will you marry me?”
At first she just cried and screamed.
It was so sweet, it was such a surprise. She was such a happy, beautiful girl at that moment. A month later, my Katrina told me that her fiancé is taking an airplane to another state for an internship for a few weeks with a big business company. I stopped by his apartment to wish him good luck for his internship because I heard it’s going to be competitive. I just stopped by and had a drink then right before he closed his door, I gave him a quick hug.
The day Katrina’s fiancé had to leave onto the airplane, I woke up from a really bad nightmare. In the dream, I saw an airplane crashing while trying to land at an airport and then I saw Katrina weeping and sobbing on the floor claiming that’s the airplane that her fiancé was on. I was so sweaty when I woke up, this reminds me of what happened to the poor old lady 5 years ago. I started to cry in bed because I had no clue what to do. My gut was telling me to tell Katrina right away but I don’t want to sound like a mentally insane person. It was 6AM and realized that his airplane was departing at 8AM. I couldn’t take it anymore, I called Katrina and she picked up and sounded very sleepy.
“Katrina I need to come to your house right now is really important” .
“What going? Are you okay?
“Is something importance, I’m on my to your house right now”
I drove quickly to her apartment. I cried so much in front of her, I had such a hard time explaining to her about the nightmare. I wasn’t able to tell her what happened with senior citizen because she not gonna understand. “Kayler is okay, stay calm and stop crying.” She hug my very tight that I can barely breath. She called Kevin and explain what happen while they were talking I took the phone from her hand
“Kevin please do not get on that plane.”
“Listen to me for once, please Kevin.”
“But Katrina I have to get on this airplane right now” He hang up the phone.
I was shaking so much, it was the worst feeling ever. I left and went back to my home. I cried in bed for hours and that nightmare kept flashing by in my mind. I knew he was arriving at his destination around 5PM. I turned on the news around the time and there it was. Breaking news, a plane crashed. I called Katrina , when she picked up, her voice was trembling, she was crying and couldn’t the words out her mouth. Her fiancé’s airplane was the one that crashed while landing at the airport.
I am able to visualize the death of certain people in my lives after I touch them. “Is it because of the nuclear bomb explosion incident when I was fourteen years old? ”
After the accident I have been isolating myself among my loved ones. The entire experience has psychologically and emotionally changed me as a person, overall. I became a fearful, depressed and mentally unstable adult. I ended up transferring to another university and moving a few states away from home. My family and close friends has questioned my sudden move out and I no longer speak to my best friend of which her fiancé passed away due to the airplane accident. My life reverted from that moment on and I just can’t look back. I would much rather move far away and not create relationships or friendships with anyone in order to keep myself from feeling guilty or hurting anyone close to me. I would rather not use this “gift” of mine. It is harmful and it only causes emotional stress upon myself and people I really love.
A new environment has made me feel better about my life. No attachments to other people meant no one nor myself was getting hurt. I spent the past two years trying to forget these terrible memories and not think about my “special ability”. But for the past month, all the memories have been flashing back inside my head, over and over again. It is all coming back and I have no clue how to stop it again. It is haunting me, day and night. Even in my dreams, I can no longer sleep well without seeing the old lady get hit by a car again or my best friend sobbing because of her fiancé death from the airplane accident. This was hurting me all over again. I have decided to spend tonight on my kitchen floor drinking until my blood streams are filled with alcohol. I’m gonna be so intoxicated to the point where I need to forget these memories. Even if it means to abuse my own body.
Continuing onto my alcohol addiction now, it has not help me at all. I have only been able to wake up with headaches and still nightmares almost every night about everything. I have decided: enough is enough. If I don’t help myself, no one is going to help me. I need to reach out to someone. I feel lonely and worthless. I miss my family and all my friends back home. I can’t return home until I get rid of this “ability” or get over my fears. It’s like a monster inside, no one can destroy it except for myself.
I have visited a local psychology clinic in my city to seek help right away. I was able to contact and get in touch with the most well known psychologist there. His name is Dr. Emeric and he is specialized in hallucinations. Although my issues are clearly not hallucinations, but there is still a lot going on inside my head and maybe he can help me out with it. Explaining this whole thought process is going to be difficult. Katrina thought I was crazy when I was warning her about her fiancé death.
As I spoke to Dr. Emeric from the very start and to the very end of my memories, he has no words but a phrase “interesting” which is the most cliché word that every psychologist usually says after he listens to a crazy person speak on their behalf. I still felt hopeless because his expression only changed a little bit. He told me to return back the following week for another appointment. I don’t really look forward to it but I will surely give it another try because I’m not giving up yet.
After I got home, I spent a few hours online researching about the nuclear bomb explosion that happened years ago. I never really looked into because every time I read about it somewhere, it made me feel nervous and it made my anxiety worse. This is just the post trauma that I have experienced. I literally went through dozens of articles online to see if there anyone else out there like me. Someone who went through a similar problem like me, someone who understands my pain of this “ability”, or someone who has this same exact ability. I was desperate to hope there was information about the nuclear bomb, maybe some other substance that it’s made out of. Because this is not a normal nuclear bomb if it has literally psychologically messed up my brain and gives me the ability to visualized some people’s death. That just isn’t normal and I am trying every way to dig up facts about this incident.
I was interviewed for a new job at a local office near my home. I decided to give it a try because I was offered a higher salary than where I was working at currently. I didn’t really like staying at one spot for too long, I started to become too friendly to my co workers and the goal of moving to this city was to stay isolated to avoid pain and harming others. Moving to this new job, there is a guy that sits across the room from me. He name is Ivan and every morning when I see him he asked me if i want a cup of coffee he voice is very polite and sweet. I have no really had interactions like this with my co workers for a very long time being able to see someone’s smile like that towards me feels very heart warming. I miss human connections and feelings. But I must keep my distance to avoid any harm.
I came to Dr. Emeric’s office for a following appointment, he has prescribed to me anti depressants and I knew that was going to happen. That is the usual for being diagnosed with hallucinations. I told Dr. Emeric that we need to go into more depth for my illness because I need to get the bottom of everything. He told me it takes patience and time and Emeric wanted to also do further research into the nuclear bomb explosion incident. I told him I already did that and I found completely nothing. Dr. Emeric sounded like he hesitated to do this but towards the end of our appointment, he told me that he’s going to have to refer to me to a scientist to talk about.
I got home that day in a very bad mood. I don't know what to do and again I want to separate myself from the world. I started to feel depressed and the only thing I can do now is to see Ivan. Ivan comforted me and the only one who understood me. He was there when I needed him. A connection between Ivan and I are becoming stronger and stronger.
I learned a lesson. Ivan was there for me. I was never independent. He was someone out there in the world and now I found him. The person who has helped me and understood me for my own illness and my physical appearance.