Pursuit of loss

                   “Here they come! Everyone hide! The police is here!” They screamed while I was recollecting all the junk from the tables of that restaurant. “¡Virgen santísima!” I screamed. I remember myself hiding under the table I was cleaning. I tried to hide as much as possible. Silent, I saw people getting arrested by the police officers. They were screaming, crying, begging. “¡No me lleves! ¡No me quiero ir!”  Those people who wanted the ‘’American Dream’’ like me, begged. Poor fellows. They cautioned me about this. I knew this was going to happen. The police would come one day looking for the immigrants. But thank God I practiced a little bit what to do when that situation came, and at least it helped me. I did not get caught.


                     While waiting for the police to leave… I felt like all my dreams got broken in one minute. After that horrible moment, I realized I do not want to live another moment like this one ever again. This whole situation about hiding from the government it’s not as easy as it may seem. Now the confusion starts. I don’t know what to do. I remember I was born in the deserts of México, where my dad had to wake up every single morning, put his clothes on, and go to the farm to start working. After hours of hard work, he came home to eat some Tamales and that was it. Saw my family suffering from economical problems my entire life. They had to work every day for long hours to get some money to feed five kids for two days approximately. I remember when my mom gave me her food because it was not enough. Oh dad, I remember you coming home all sweaty, dirty, and tired. While other people in other places without working and without moving one finger, had more money and food than what we had in three weeks. I was the oldest of my other four siblings. Even though I do not have an education because my family never had the resources to send me to school, I consider myself more educated and smarter than a lot of people who attend school. That’s why I decided to move on and do something for my family. I remember that Saturday. When I packed all my things up and finally did it. Crossed the border from Mexico to United States without finding death. I guess I was so lucky no one caught me.


                  Now I am here, without anyone beside me. Trying to find myself in this unknown place. Seeing a lot of different people dressing up, talking and acting in a very weird way. Women dress up almost showing her body, and men decorate their bodies with piercings almost everywhere. The funniest thing is that no one seems like caring about that. “Where are you from?” some ask me. “¿Qué?” I answer. Then I realize they are speaking English. I do not know the language. How will I survive like this? I remember when I used to say: “Nothing will stop me. I will look for a job. That is how I will start. It will not be easy, but I will do it”. “Maybe I will have to hide from the police, but not for my entire life because I will become a citizen. Some people have come here and now they have money and the life they dreamed of. So I guess I will be pretty good…”


                    Who am I trying to fool? Right now I feel so lonely, sad, and depressed. When I remember those hard times at México, I get weaker instead of getting stronger. I miss my Mexican culture. I never thought living here would be like this. Here everything is just so different. I am not used to this. It’s hard surviving in here. I can’t communicate with anyone. This is not what I expected. Where is ‘’The American Dream’’ I was looking for? Where is the money I want? It was just a fantasy, rumors people say. What am I supposed to do now? Go back to México, or stay here? This is so confusing. They all say love is louder than pressure. But, is it louder than the pressure of trying to help your family with their economical problems? A pressure you had since you were a kid. Is it louder than having no food, clothes, or money?


                     It’s hard being in this situation right now. Where all you know is that your body is in Los Ángeles, California… but your heart is in a little farm at Zacatecas, México.



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