My Language, My Life
My language, My life
“Ah yo, come here real quick” they always say.
“Naw I’m chillin’. Imma just go in the other direction.” I answer.
“What I say.”
“I don’t care, so what you gonna do stupid.”
“You think this is a game, huh?”
“Yeah always. All day every day, keepin’ it one hunnit. Thought y’all knew me by now.”
“Yeah there he is. My manz is back (laughing continues). What you been up to?”
“Nothing much really. Just chilling as always.”
“You still down for the party?”
“I don’t know. Momz not going out tonight.”
“Come on man, you got to. I know you remember what happened last time. Now don’t lie, it was crazy sick.”
“Yeah I know, but I can’t always do it. Remember I’m trynna go places. I can’t have this coming back at me. I got ya’ll next time ard.”
“Yeah yeah but bail on us next time then.”
My old friends...always able to speak freely with them. They were the ones to get me to open up. You know, actually live a little. It was because of them that I was to have fun. Before I met them, I jut nothing but study, which is good but I wasn’t haven’t any fun. And at that moment that we started to hang, I got my new idea of the world. I figured out that I couldn’t be happy with myself if I wasn’t able to have fun and so I did. I adapted to their way of speech, and understood their mindset, but I didn’t let that control me. I wanted to have that in mind, but still able to obtain new ways of communication.
My mind is continuously moving. Constantly reminding myself not to fall into the trap. It’s trying to stay above ground, no slip ups, no mistakes. I really wanted to go, I really did, but I would be pushing it with all the extra work my new school likes to give me. I didn’t really expect it all, but I choose the school because it would help me better myself. It gave me new opportunities to explore so I can experience all I need to. I need to be able to make a difference.
“Can I get a ‘Amen’ now?” says pastor. “I said can I get a ‘Amen’!”
“AMEN!”
“We have here today brother Kareem and he wants to say something to the church this Sunday morning.”
“Well really I just wanted to thank you all for helping me get further in life. You all have motivated me to push harder, strive for the best, conquer the odds, and be a better person that people outside of here will know as the one who succeed. The trials you put me through has proven that I can live up to the challenge, but the only fight left is with myself. Thank you.”
That was when I was the worship leader for one service. They caught me coming back from my vacation and I just decided to just do it. I was able to lead the service, tell them what’s going on, and afterwards they wanted me to say something in response. So I said that to them, and that left them a little shocked. They didn’t think that I noticed what they did for me over the years, and so that was just one of the many things I did to repay the favor.
Me personally I have a mask over my face that I’m always doing the best I can making it seem like I’m someone else, but truthfully, they both are me. They’re just the different sides of me. You have the civilized, and the uncivilized me. They just change with the degree of my mood.
“Yes mother. I did that already. No you can’t do that. Just let me fix the wires when I get home okay? Okay bye.”
“She needs your help again?”
“Yeah but it’ll wait, I gotta finish this first. This is just too cool to miss.”
They show the side of me that fits with you better. The side of me that you’ll most likely accept. I don’t really mean to, but it kind of just happens. I do it to find my place, to get a better understanding of myself, to know what I need to do in order to succeed. These voices, sounding different, all show the pieces of me. It’s just your job to fit them together so you hear, see, feel, know everything that I do. So really, I feel like I don’t change myself. Yes I code switch, but I only do it so people can understand me. From one to the other, the change makes me fit in. The change is my way to survive.
“Kareem!”
“What!”
“Excuse me!”
“Yes. How may I help you?”
“You better watch yourself”
“How can I help you?”
“Just do what you have to do in the house.”
“Yeah okay.”
“What was that?”
“Yes master. I mean mom”
Just a usual confrontation with my mom. It’s not bad, but since it happened so much, I started changing my way of responding. You saw I said “master” and at this point it comes out from time to time. I can’t use my regular way of speaking when it comes to her even though she uses it towards me. It seems a bit backwards but I just switch it so she can understand me.
My way of survival changes from scene to scene. From my friends, to school, to home. With friends, I just try to fit in, with school, I try to succeed, and at home, I feel like I become something different other than me. All these places have a different way of talking. It goes from leisure to force, all I can do is adapt accordingly. Sometimes I wish no matter how I want to talk, people will understand but that’s not the case. Sometimes I feel like they are trying to hide that part of himself from others, or they just feel like one way of speaking is better than others. So really that makes me feel like language has power. One way of speaking portrays one scenario, and the other is used to get the same point across but just in a way for someone else to understand. That’s really all that makes sense.
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