My Mother...
People say your mother is your best friend. She's a person you lean on. Your mother is like the earth. She is supposed to provide the breath you breathe. Your mother is supposed to shape and care for you. I guess that's always what I thought my mom was to me. My mother was and is my best friend. There is no one else like her. It's impossible to find anyone who looks, talks and walks the same way she does. See my mother goes and went through the same things I went and go through as a young woman. So when she broke from the same story of her childhood it hurt me. Maybe my mother didn't want us to be the same; maybe my mother wanted something better or nothing at all.
I was born into a family like none other. We didn’t have any mixed children or people who married anyone who wasn’t black. We hadn’t travelled the world thousands of times. We aren’t Christian although both my grandparents family were heavily into Christ. I come from an African American Muslim family. My grandparents started the biggest Masjid in the Philadelphia area. My family is the center of my world and will always be the biggest part of my life. But my family is also sometimes my only enemy in the world. As Muslims, we are taught to only fear Allah. For the longest time that was my only fear in life. Until my fear became a for thought and the only thing I could think about was my mother and sister.
When I made it clear to my mother she needed to come home or me and my sister needed to stay with her, she didn’t listen to me. I don’t know how I was supposed to take that, but it was a hit to my heart that cut deep. In that moment I became my sister’s mother, not her older sister. I became my dad's personality to lean on. It made me the person I am today. There are still cracks in me and my mother's relationship, but I don’t think we can heal those until she learns how to apologize, but what do I know. She tells me all the time “I’m just a kid. Kids know nothing.” Of course, my mother thinks I didn’t know my dad and she had relationship problems. Most parents always want to live in a bliss of my child is stupid when really I knew more than she did. I knew my parents weren’t going to last before my mother knew how to run from her problems. My mother eventually took what I knew and went through, for face value because that's all she could do.
My parents aren't everybody else's parents, but then again no bodies parents are the same. I lived in a house full of love, yes, but it was a hard kinda love. Clearly, I knew I was loved. Getting a divorce isn’t bad. I have no regrets as of today for why my parents left each other. My parents made it seem like them getting a divorce was normal. It was normal for me. To this day it rolls off of my tongue easily. I don’t care. I have fallen in love all over again with my sister because although they are our parents my sister and I have learned to rely on each other because we don’t know who is going to be with us next. During my parent’s divorce, my sister lived with my mother and I lived with my dad. That was a time that I walked through life like a zombie because my sister was my lifeline.
I previously said my mother leaving me and my sister made me mature and that's true, but my goals and dreams came together on December 10, 2009. That was the day my sister was born. I had 11 siblings I barely saw, but we loved and cared for each other. When my sister became number 12, it hit me that my siblings all had each other and I had no one. Before my sister, it was me and my mother. The only person I could lean on and tell my truths to was her. Then my mother got pregnant and the world rushed at me; I had to run with it. I was eight years old when my sister was born. Thinking back to when I was eight is hard. My parents were always happy and we smiled. My father and I were closer.
I still remember the day my mother told my dad she was pregnant. Mind you my parents were actually trying to get pregnant this time. Little did I know. My mother told my dad and he told her to stop lying. I busted it out laughing, my dad is a true jokester. If this was a time of kings and queens my father would be the jester. After I told my dad it was true he told me it wasn’t. Then I didn’t know if he was playing, I mean for a few seconds I thought maybe my mother cheated until he started laughing. My dad stood in our old kitchen laughing at me in awe face with my mouth hanging over waiting for someone to give me a drink of water. I will forever remember that day. It was the last time my dad and I laughed in that kitchen. The year 2008 was a fast one. One moment my father and I were laughing in the kitchen next came 2009 and my mother was having my baby sister.
Unlike most people think I actually was afraid of my sister. I didn’t hold her. I didn’t feed her nor did I try and wash her up. I stayed away from my sister for a few months until I was forced to love her. She became my baby that was alive. She breathed and ate and went to the bathroom. My sister was everything I didn’t ask for. I never wanted a sister, I always secretly wanted a brother. I still do want a brother, well little brother. I have two older brothers who I love very dearly. Having a sibling was a dream for me because I asked for one so many times. I had many siblings, but I always felt like an only child. I can’t explain having so much of something, but not believe you do. As I got older so did my sister. My sister even today follows me. She knows that no matter what we go through or have been through that I will never leave her. I will never give up on her because she is my lifeline. My sister has never felt abandonment from not one of our parents and I am happy for her.
I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Although my mother is back in my life and for good. I lost my father after the gain of my mother. I always wonder if my mother never came back into my life would I be any different. Would I be more hateful? Would I be less motivated? I look back on when I used to ponder about if my parents got a divorce who I would live with. I always said I would live with both my mother and father. My father and mother together add great characteristics and life lessons to my life that I have learned to balance. Then when I actually had to choose, I chose my father. Whether I knew it then, I know it now. My father's 12 children are his lifeline and I don’t ever want to take away what helps motivate someone to get up. For most of my first year in high school, I was independent. I had no mother. I had no father. It was just me and my baby sister. I guess not having my parents did create a hole somewhere that I can’t see and won’t feel. At the end of my first year in high school, my mother and I prepared our relationship and every day we seal a crack. My mother will always be the first best friend I ever had, but we haven’t been best friends in a while. I guess me and my mother have finally understood the roles of mother and daughter. Maybe my mother didn't want us to be the same; maybe my mother wanted something better or nothing at all. My mother told me she doesn’t want me to grow up like her, she wants me to be better. I am my mother's second chance and I hope with her back in my life I will be what she dreams and wished for.
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