My Urge to be an Italian Woman

In chapter 2 of the Handmaid’s Tale by Margret Atwood, the main character Offred is having a moment of internal monologue while adjusting her room in the home of her new host family. One quote, among many, that I found very interesting was, “ Waste not want. I am not being wasted, why do I want?” I found this idea to be very philosophical. Reading it generated a lot of questions in my mind; what does it mean to not be wasted as a humanist being and not a physical object? What is the basis of a want? I wanted to examine these questions in two different contexts: Offred’s life and mine. For Offred to be “not wasted” is to be a Handmaid or a surrogate. Even though it is stated to her that this is a necessary and selfless position, it is not what wants. The indoctrination that she went through in the Red Center to prepare her for the role may have changed her circumstances greatly and made that her only option for “use” but it did not suddenly turn it into something that she wanted. This lack of option in how she is not wasted more than likely left her feeling incomplete. Coupling this lack of option or choice with the things that Gilead and the new government has taken from her, her partner, her child, her education, her free will, which are all things that she wants makes her unfulfilled. Being told what you should be feeling by no means makes you feel it. She spends everyday doing something that she has no desire for and no choice so naturally she wants. Something different or something more. In my life I think my use is the work I do inside of school and out. I think where I start to differ from Offred is that my “not waste” is care. I come from a very stable family with good incomes, I have never truly needed for anything. I am not without necessities and I am not without love. I have had so many amazing opportunities throughout as a result of my family not wasting me, they see me as something that describes attention and care. “I am not wasted, why do I want”; I know that I am lucky to have received everything I have in my life but I still find myself wanting more. I feel envious of the lives I see other people lead. Social media definitely plays a big part of this feeling; all the things I want magnified in other people even though I am aware of the fact that people hardly live the lives we see on screen but I feel it in my real life as well. My friends being invited to parties I hadn’t even heard of, having skills that I can’t seem to grasp no matter how hard I try, having siblings, being in relationships. I know I don‘t need any of these things, that I should be ok with what I have seeing as so many people don’t have access to the same things as me but I want, even though I know I am in no way being wasted. I often have an internal moral battle with myself over this. But then I think, do I want something more or do I want something different? To compare my life with Offred’s seems almost disrespectful in a way but, putting these to ideas side by side and asking that question, “ I am not being wasted, why do I want?”, makes some things a bit clearer on both sides. I believe that Offred’s wants and mine oversect a bit, I don’t think we want something more, we want something different. For Offred that would be to live in a different version of her world where she has the people she cares about, where she can read freely, where she has control over her own body. For myself, I would want to live in a different county, have different interests, and have a different way of walking through life. I would want to be a black Italian woman who rides a Vespa and works in her father’s bookshop. This is something that I want but I will never have and that’s okay. I am by no means wasted and for that I am incredibly grateful, but I am still allowed to want. In chapter 2 of the Handmaid’s Tale by Margret Atwood, the main character Offred is having a moment of internal monologue while adjusting her room in the home of her new host family. One quote, among many, that I found very interesting was, “ Waste not want. I am not being wasted, why do I want?” I found this idea to be very philosophical. Reading it generated a lot of questions in my mind; what does it mean to not be wasted as a humanist being and not a physical object? What is the basis of a want? I wanted to examine these questions in two different contexts: Offred’s life and mine. For Offred to be “not wasted” is to be a Handmaid or a surrogate. Even though it is stated to her that this is a necessary and selfless position, it is not what wants. The indoctrination that she went through in the Red Center to prepare her for the role may have changed her circumstances greatly and made that her only option for “use” but it did not suddenly turn it into something that she wanted. This lack of option in how she is not wasted more than likely left her feeling incomplete. Coupling this lack of option or choice with the things that Gilead and the new government has taken from her, her partner, her child, her education, her free will, which are all things that she wants makes her unfulfilled. Being told what you should be feeling by no means makes you feel it. She spends everyday doing something that she has no desire for and no choice so naturally she wants. Something different or something more. In my life I think my use is the work I do inside of school and out. I think where I start to differ from Offred is that my “not waste” is care. I come from a very stable family with good incomes, I have never truly needed for anything. I am not without necessities and I am not without love. I have had so many amazing opportunities throughout as a result of my family not wasting me, they see me as something that describes attention and care. “I am not wasted, why do I want”; I know that I am lucky to have received everything I have in my life but I still find myself wanting more. I feel envious of the lives I see other people lead. Social media definitely plays a big part of this feeling; all the things I want magnified in other people even though I am aware of the fact that people hardly live the lives we see on screen but I feel it in my real life as well. My friends being invited to parties I hadn’t even heard of, having skills that I can’t seem to grasp no matter how hard I try, having siblings, being in relationships. I know I don‘t need any of these things, that I should be ok with what I have seeing as so many people don’t have access to the same things as me but I want, even though I know I am in no way being wasted. I often have an internal moral battle with myself over this. But then I think, do I want something more or do I want something different? To compare my life with Offred’s seems almost disrespectful in a way but, putting these to ideas side by side and asking that question, “ I am not being wasted, why do I want?”, makes some things a bit clearer on both sides. I believe that Offred’s wants and mine oversect a bit, I don’t think we want something more, we want something different. For Offred that would be to live in a different version of her world where she has the people she cares about, where she can read freely, where she has control over her own body. For myself, I would want to live in a different county, have different interests, and have a different way of walking through life. I would want to be a black Italian woman who rides a Vespa and works in her father’s bookshop. This is something that I want but I will never have and that’s okay. I am by no means wasted and for that I am incredibly grateful, but I am still allowed to want.