https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oE5XH9Ar3mCdm0Mn_qh7QPZj_DRTfVPt/view?usp=drivesdk

I made my artwork about the scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey in which one of the secondary characters Pete has an outburst in the ward’s group therapy discussion. For my artist representation, I started with the few descriptions of Pete I read the novel and built off of them in the way that I thought would represent him best. I drew Pete with thinning hair similar to the character of George Costanza from the TV show Seinfeld, with hair on the sides of his head and thin combed over wisps of hair on his crown. In the specific scene that I chose to represent on page 49 where Pete says, “ Ya see, I can’t help it …I was born dead, not you. You wasn’t born dead…I had so many insults I died…I been dead fifty-five years”(Kesey).
I think that Kesey’s description of depression, through the character of Pete, was incredibly realistic. This sad and empty feeling that was described in Pete’s outburst is why I decided not to give Pete pupils in my artist’s representation of this scene because I wanted the viewer to understand that he really and truly feels dead inside so I tried to make him look like such. I think that the reason that I chose this scene in particular is because I have personally related to this. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was around twelve years old and it has been something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remeber. I can say from firsthand experience that this way of describing how depression can feel was incredibly captivating. Kesey’s manner of representing the vast effect of mental health on a person had a way of making me feel seen but also somehow a bit disturbed. This is such a raw and unadulterated feeling for anyone to go through and seeing it reproduced so profoundly and uncanny on a page was kind of jarring. I am personally not a huge fan of this book so far but I can say that I am very fascinated by the way that Kesey depicts elements of mental health like his description of Pete’s depression or Bromden’s schizophrenic hallucinations. I have only personally experienced one of the two but I do think that since he is really good at demonstrating what these disorders feel like internally in a really profound way. For this reason I would guess that a person who has experienced schizophrenia or knows someone who has would probably feel represented by his style of writing and/or can validate his mode of representation for these illnesses. In summation, I think that Pete’s character is most influential in terms of making people feel more related to the overall narrative because so many of the characters really lack anything that most readers can relate to which, I believe, is a very important part of any piece of writing because it is one of many ways to keep a reader engaged.

For my art piece, I made a digital sketch overlaid with a watercolor brush that was inspired by two small quotes found in The Handmaid’s Tale written by Margaret Atwood. The first quote can be found in chapter 18 of the book, “ … flickering like images of saints, in old foreign cathedrals”. This inspired me for the shape and background of the image which was supposed to model a piece of stained glass that one could find in an old foreign cathedral. The main focus of my training came from a quote in chapter 25. “ Saint Serna, on her knees, doing penance”. This gave me inspiration for “Saint Serena” who I sketched in a nun garb in the Commander’s Wife blue with a halo around her head and a small shovel in her hand. The reason I chose these two quotes for inspiration is because of the religious imagery they both convey. Throughout the reading, I have found a fair bit of religious imagery scattered all through the book so far. And in my annotations of the first quote I wrote, “I am always very intrigued by religious imagery especially the way Atwood writes it; somehow subtle and overt at the same time”. I went to catholic school from pre-k all the way through 8th grade. Though I can say that sometimes the experiences I had in the catholic school system were memorable in a positive way, I can also say for a fact that the idea of God was shoved down my throat so much that I eventually threw it up; God was a person or entity that I had no wish to think about or interact with. Even through all of the turmoil and in some cases trauma that I went through in Catholic school, my enjoyment of religious imagery never dwindled. My complicated relationship with the church as a whole never stopped me from appreciating one church in a moment, the beauty of the architecture, and the images of Christ embedded in stained glass. These images were so wondrous and grand to me that I never really doubted the sanctity of a church until I stepped foot outside of it. Eventually, I started to understand why I found these images of faith and belief and religion to be so powerful even though I was actively unsubscribing from them; I saw a strange fascination with the worship of something I knew not to be real to me. Staring at the carved marble of the Holy Father in awe knowing that to me He wasn’t real but being moved to tears by the fact someone more than likely driven only by faith put so much time care and attention into displaying a beautiful image of Him and watching people knelt in front of Him, rosaries in hand doing the sign of the cross. I am by no means a faith-oriented person and I think that’s what makes religious imagery that is done in a quite beautiful fashion such as Atwood has spoken so closely to me. I may not feel the same pull to religion that other people do but when I see these beautiful pieces of art that are motivated by faith I am brought to a point where I can empathize with them on a much deeper level; their worship is shown to me in an enchanting fashion that makes me understand the depth of their faith more than any bible verse could.

In chapter 2 of the Handmaid’s Tale by Margret Atwood, the main character Offred is having a moment of internal monologue while adjusting her room in the home of her new host family. One quote, among many, that I found very interesting was, “ Waste not want. I am not being wasted, why do I want?” I found this idea to be very philosophical. Reading it generated a lot of questions in my mind; what does it mean to not be wasted as a humanist being and not a physical object? What is the basis of a want? I wanted to examine these questions in two different contexts: Offred’s life and mine. For Offred to be “not wasted” is to be a Handmaid or a surrogate. Even though it is stated to her that this is a necessary and selfless position, it is not what wants. The indoctrination that she went through in the Red Center to prepare her for the role may have changed her circumstances greatly and made that her only option for “use” but it did not suddenly turn it into something that she wanted. This lack of option in how she is not wasted more than likely left her feeling incomplete. Coupling this lack of option or choice with the things that Gilead and the new government has taken from her, her partner, her child, her education, her free will, which are all things that she wants makes her unfulfilled. Being told what you should be feeling by no means makes you feel it. She spends everyday doing something that she has no desire for and no choice so naturally she wants. Something different or something more. In my life I think my use is the work I do inside of school and out. I think where I start to differ from Offred is that my “not waste” is care. I come from a very stable family with good incomes, I have never truly needed for anything. I am not without necessities and I am not without love. I have had so many amazing opportunities throughout as a result of my family not wasting me, they see me as something that describes attention and care. “I am not wasted, why do I want”; I know that I am lucky to have received everything I have in my life but I still find myself wanting more. I feel envious of the lives I see other people lead. Social media definitely plays a big part of this feeling; all the things I want magnified in other people even though I am aware of the fact that people hardly live the lives we see on screen but I feel it in my real life as well. My friends being invited to parties I hadn’t even heard of, having skills that I can’t seem to grasp no matter how hard I try, having siblings, being in relationships. I know I don‘t need any of these things, that I should be ok with what I have seeing as so many people don’t have access to the same things as me but I want, even though I know I am in no way being wasted. I often have an internal moral battle with myself over this. But then I think, do I want something more or do I want something different? To compare my life with Offred’s seems almost disrespectful in a way but, putting these to ideas side by side and asking that question, “ I am not being wasted, why do I want?”, makes some things a bit clearer on both sides. I believe that Offred’s wants and mine oversect a bit, I don’t think we want something more, we want something different. For Offred that would be to live in a different version of her world where she has the people she cares about, where she can read freely, where she has control over her own body. For myself, I would want to live in a different county, have different interests, and have a different way of walking through life. I would want to be a black Italian woman who rides a Vespa and works in her father’s bookshop. This is something that I want but I will never have and that’s okay. I am by no means wasted and for that I am incredibly grateful, but I am still allowed to want. In chapter 2 of the Handmaid’s Tale by Margret Atwood, the main character Offred is having a moment of internal monologue while adjusting her room in the home of her new host family. One quote, among many, that I found very interesting was, “ Waste not want. I am not being wasted, why do I want?” I found this idea to be very philosophical. Reading it generated a lot of questions in my mind; what does it mean to not be wasted as a humanist being and not a physical object? What is the basis of a want? I wanted to examine these questions in two different contexts: Offred’s life and mine. For Offred to be “not wasted” is to be a Handmaid or a surrogate. Even though it is stated to her that this is a necessary and selfless position, it is not what wants. The indoctrination that she went through in the Red Center to prepare her for the role may have changed her circumstances greatly and made that her only option for “use” but it did not suddenly turn it into something that she wanted. This lack of option in how she is not wasted more than likely left her feeling incomplete. Coupling this lack of option or choice with the things that Gilead and the new government has taken from her, her partner, her child, her education, her free will, which are all things that she wants makes her unfulfilled. Being told what you should be feeling by no means makes you feel it. She spends everyday doing something that she has no desire for and no choice so naturally she wants. Something different or something more. In my life I think my use is the work I do inside of school and out. I think where I start to differ from Offred is that my “not waste” is care. I come from a very stable family with good incomes, I have never truly needed for anything. I am not without necessities and I am not without love. I have had so many amazing opportunities throughout as a result of my family not wasting me, they see me as something that describes attention and care. “I am not wasted, why do I want”; I know that I am lucky to have received everything I have in my life but I still find myself wanting more. I feel envious of the lives I see other people lead. Social media definitely plays a big part of this feeling; all the things I want magnified in other people even though I am aware of the fact that people hardly live the lives we see on screen but I feel it in my real life as well. My friends being invited to parties I hadn’t even heard of, having skills that I can’t seem to grasp no matter how hard I try, having siblings, being in relationships. I know I don‘t need any of these things, that I should be ok with what I have seeing as so many people don’t have access to the same things as me but I want, even though I know I am in no way being wasted. I often have an internal moral battle with myself over this. But then I think, do I want something more or do I want something different? To compare my life with Offred’s seems almost disrespectful in a way but, putting these to ideas side by side and asking that question, “ I am not being wasted, why do I want?”, makes some things a bit clearer on both sides. I believe that Offred’s wants and mine oversect a bit, I don’t think we want something more, we want something different. For Offred that would be to live in a different version of her world where she has the people she cares about, where she can read freely, where she has control over her own body. For myself, I would want to live in a different county, have different interests, and have a different way of walking through life. I would want to be a black Italian woman who rides a Vespa and works in her father’s bookshop. This is something that I want but I will never have and that’s okay. I am by no means wasted and for that I am incredibly grateful, but I am still allowed to want.