Reginald Simmons / Monologue

A Cheesy Story

Everything would be better if you just gave me the slice, Jimmy.  It’s just one measly slice. And it’s pepperoni and sausage. That’s not even your favorite kind. You like barbecue chicken. Look, the next time we get barbecue chicken from here, you can have the last slice. Matter of fact, the last TWO slices. How’s that sound? Yeah? Yeah? Okay. No? Alrighty.

I didn’t think I’d have to go to such desperate measures, but you’ve forced my hand.

You know how much I exercise. I need the calories. And the soft dough ... and the cheesy goodness. No, I mean I just need the calories. For my body. You wouldn’t want me to become malnourished, would you? No. Didn’t think so. Right now, you have the power to decide my fate. If you don’t let me have this last slice, I’ll -- I’ll go into a coma. Yup, my body will be all like, “No, no, where's that last slice?! We need that last sliceee!” Okay, maybe it won’t do that, but you get it. Pizza = okay. No pizza = certain death. What if I paid you for it? Okay... five? Ten? Twenty? Thirty? Okay, that’s just absurd. I could but the entire Papa John’s franchise with that kind of money. How about I make your bed for a week? Two weeks? A mon- HEY, I see what you’re doin’ here.

Alright, rock paper scissors. Best three out of five. Okay, rock... paper... scissors, shoot! Darn! Again! Rock... paper... scissors, shoot! Darnit! Best four out of six. Rock... paper...scissors... shoot! Alright, rock paper scissors is for seven year olds anyway. Umm...Oh! I’m thinking of a number. Yes, that is fair! I have nothing to do with the fact you lack the ability to establish a telekinetic link between our two minds.

I’ll give you twenty bucks’ worth of itunes money. You know you want that. Which is better, like, a thousand new songs with that money, or one delic- disgusting, cold slice of pizza that probably has all types of fungus growing on it? Okay, maybe the fungus part is a stretch. Okay, maybe the disgusting part is a stretch, too. But still. That pizza is RIGHTFULLY mine. Because. It just is, okay?

Alright, you can have the pizza.

But wait!

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