Scene of Memory - Andrew Rodebaugh

I was in my bedroom in middle school if I remember correctly. That’s when it came for the first time. I was really falling behind in school. It likes that.

Crawling around in my room. A monster... I guess you could call it that. It’s a quiet creature. It’s large but yet hard to see. And makes a statement without making much noise.

I guess that’s why I was the only one who noticed it. The fear it caused me was not the fear that makes you scream or fear for something or someone. But just the fear that shuts you down and makes you cry. That’s all I could think of doing.

I told my parents and they were upset. Not at it but at me for being silly.

My father yelled at me “Excuses and lies. Ever since you got that C. But out of all your lies this one takes the cake.”

“There's a lot going-” I was interrupted.

“Bull crap. Absolute bull crap.”

I look over and creeping around was it again. Knocking around objects and making a ruckus. No one noticed but I was scared. I remember running to my room and slamming it. Of course, my parents thought it was because of them but I was hiding from my fears. The door gave me protection from it. Whenever it came I went to my room to hide from my fears. Until I was banned from my room causing it to follow me around my everyday life. I had no safe space in my room to wait till it left.

People started to notice that I was not the same. The ruckus caused by it was blamed on me and caused me to slip. Doing worse and I had no support.

I wanted to get rid of it. Get it out of my life once and for all. There were solutions to getting rid of it but I was blocked access from them. They didn’t see the reason why I needed them because the problems caused by it was me.

Now because of that time I am stuck where I am now. It grew bigger and started to hurt me. There is no way I can stop it now. Because of me.

Authors Note:

This piece is something I put a lot of time thinking about how to convey my memories of the lack of support and the pain caused by my “monsters.” It is a depiction of my depression and anxiety that has followed me around. My first draft was a conversation between a therapist and the main character but, it was suggested that I make it more of a monologue. The image is one I found online that I think represented the "controlling nature" of depression.

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