Unfit King

Unfit King

“I wish that you were dead! This country requires someone fit to be king, unlike you, you blubbery insolent trash!”

“Hoho!” The king let out a hearty and boisterous laugh, fit for someone of his stature. “Sure is brave of you to say such things when you already know you are about to die! Heads up!” yelled the king, and with that he turned his back. The crowd cheered as the man’s head flew through the air. The executioners bowed, basking in their temporary fame. None of the people, save for a servant perhaps could see the king’s face. If they had, they would seen a single tear fall from the king’s eye.

Later that night, during his evening bath the king remarked to his wife:

“Why is it always my weight? I’m trying to work on it!”

“Oh you look fine honey” the queen proclaimed. The king most certainly did not look fine, nor did his wife for that matter. Both were morbidly obese. It had run in the royal family for generations. Such obesity could have been the result of poor diets, but even more likely it was due to the royal family's tendency to keep the royal blood as pure as possible. Little did the king know that people made a bit of a joke out of speculating how the king’s ancestors had ever taken the land that was now the kingdom. It was hard to imagine the king winning any sort of physical conflict in any way other than getting his soldiers to do it, or just sitting on his opponent.

“Well something must be done then. I have done everything in my power to change things on my end!” This was a lie. “I also have the power to change things on their end!”

“Ok dear, don’t get too riled up now, I am sure that the people of the kingdom love you. Just a few bad apples as they say,” said the queen.

“Oh piss off, you miserable filth! I know what I want and I know how I am going to get it done.”

“I was only trying to help,” the queen screamed as she ran into her chambers, crying. She had observed a most unfortunate pattern in the king’s behavior. Every time that his feelings were hurt, he grew more cold and plain mean towards his wife, who could do nothing save for clench her teeth and roll with the punches. After all, he was the king.

The next morning as the queen awoke, late, tired from all the crying she had done the previous night, she heard familiar voices. These voices most certainly belonged to the royal advisor, a thin balding man who always seemed to be scheming some dirty plan and her husband, the king. Their tones seemed to indicate some tension. The queen prayed that there was not an issue that the king had to address. If there was, she would most certainly be yelled at in the crossfire.

“Yes, your highness, it shall be done,” said the voice of the advisor. The queen breathed a sigh of relief, the king must have obtained what he wanted. The queen picked herself up out of bed and slipped on a pair of her most comfortable and yet still royal slippers. She did not feel the need to change out of her nightgown for the advisor. She couldn’t have cared less what that sad excuse for a man thought of her.

“Good morning” The queen said as she walked into the royal kitchen. She had expected to see the advisor sitting for breakfast with the king, but he appeared to have been escorted out of the castle. On second thought, the king and his advisor did not seem to be on the best of terms.

“Great news m’lady!” Shouted the king, his voice filled with glee. “The words that people so unjustly and incorrectly used to describe me are now illegal, or will be in a matter of mere hours! This is but another step to my molding this harsh and volatile land into the the great and magnificent kingdom that my ancestors envisioned in their time. What a joy to be the king of this glorious land!”

“That is fantastic dear,” responded the queen. And she really meant it as well, although her motives for thinking were a bit different than his. Sure, she was happy when her husband was happy and she she knew that he would be in much better mood than yesterday’s awful mood. However, a better mood for him, meant less chance of abusive behavior towards her. Somewhere in her puny royal mind, she knew what he had done and had been doing for his time on the throne was wrong. He was not a good king. This fact was apparent almost everyone. However, with so much power, nobody could do anything to oppose or criticize his mighty reign in any way.  “Yes, this is all very fine and dandy my love, however I require some sustenance. “Would a chef please fetch me an egg or four? I am practically dying of starvation.”

BAM BAM BAM! The woman lifted her tired head from her cleaning. Her child began to cry loudly. It was hard to tell if this was due to the sudden loud noise, or to hunger. She felt her own stomach let out a cry of protest towards its unintentional fast. Noise or hunger, there seemed to be no obvious solution to either. (Due to the small nature of the house, there was an unfortunately little amount of room for their cots to be placed anywhere to escape to noises of the door and the street outside.) The noise must have startled the poor thing immensely as the crying began to intensify to a ear-splitting volume. She ran over to the child’s cot and hoisted it into the air and quickly comforted it as she wondered where her husband could be. Had he had finally succumbed to the allure of the drink? The woman tiredly limped to the door, as quickly as she could so that the banging would not start again, wondering what the ruckus could possibly be about.

“Hello ma’am, we are the police and are here to notify you about your husband.” The woman sighed. She wondered if the world had finally got to him and he done something bad. They were not well-off, but the family got by one way or another. Both adults worked hard and honestly. She knew that a strong sense of right and wrong was shared between the two of them. What could it possibly be? Had he died? Had he been crippled in some sort of freak-accident?

“Due to a most offensive outburst of public indecency and vulgarity. Your husband has been taken into custody and will be executed tomorrow.” It felt like she had just been punched in the face.

“Executed for public vulgarity? Without trial?” Her shock quickly morphed into fiery hot anger.

“Yes ma’am, your husband in his most vulgar profession as a whale meat seller had quite the vulgar and disgusting pitch for his products. One so offensive that it was hurting the moral of the people and because of that he now shall be treated as a traitor to the kingdom.”

Her hot fiery anger morphed into cold despair. Panic overwhelmed her as she considered her possibilities. The woman crumpled to the ground as she thought about how she could possibly ever support her child with her husband dead.

The next day, at the time of the man’s execution, many people had gathered to witness the first of many executions at the hand of the king’s new laws.

“Obese humanoid lump of flesh,” yelled the man. The king cried once more as the subject was killed. The doctor would die the day after, after him the baker, and after a few years the king would die as a result of his own unhealthiness.