comfort in

Staring down into the toilet, one hand holding my hair and one in my mouth debating if I should or not thinking about yesterday and how I emotionlessly I looked through my mom as she wiping her tears saying“Why are you doing this to yourself? You need to stop doing this. You are going to get sick When you are in the bathroom, leave it unlocked. Is this  the reason you’ve been ‘throwing up’ (used air quotes) lately?I just thought you might be pregnant…how often do you?

I replied “I don't know” (pause)

“In the morning I’d brush my teeth and leave the water running. When I came home from school after my first meal of the day I warned the boys I had to use the bathroom and to not knock on the door. After dinner, before I took a shower while the water was running. When I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night I snuck downstairs and ate a snack, then visit after” (pause)

I would look in the mirror pull and tug, I never was satisfied. You name it I tried it. I worked out every single fucking day twice a day, it never worked fast enough. Oh! I was on that no junk food and only 2,000 calories, It came to a point that I’d only eat about only 800 a day.

Nothing ever worked. (pause)

I had given up, I ordered a small pizza and ate half of the  box in my room. I had regretted it as soon as I done it.

Tears running down my face I ran downstairs to the bathroom and began to brush my teeth. I had pushed too hard and went to deep and hit my uvula I ran here got on my knees and let it out. That was the first time I discovered it, next time and every day after that I’d do it on purpose, it made me feel like everything I ate just washed away and everything would go away.

Every day I had to go to school and they’d snicker and laugh and make jokes touching the fat on my arms and my stomach. I would’nt  eat lunch, because I was’nt  hungry, I didn’t have an appetite. The bathroom became my sanctuary, the things I did in here was a secret and  neither of us would tell.

I’d eat as much as I could as fast as I could then go upstairs run the water or play some music, sometimes both, get on my knees and find comfort in the porcelain throne.

After a while I stopped using the back of my toothbrush to do it, my index finger was good enough.