Jiang, Lit Log #1 - From Here, I Decided

When does choice become completely yours? Can you say you’re uninfluenced from any contributing outside factors? Are you completely in control of your actions by the time you’re fourteen? As I’ve traversed through seventeen years of living and now in high school, reading The Handmaid’s Tale, I’ve started to realize that this belief I’ve held is untrue. When I think back to the past, my memories and things that I’ve done, it feels as if they were an out of body experience. In the story The Handmaid’s Tale, Offred often talks about how in the past, before Gilead, she was able to use her body like an "instrument" and that her body was “nevertheless lithe, single, solid, one with me.” (Page 73) 

Specifically, she used her body to perform actions that she thought of doing rather than letting someone tell or force her to do. She thinks of her body as “one with herself,” where every action is equal in the reaction in her mind. Now, being forced to live in the Republic of Gilead, she talks about her body as if she is just a puppet in the hands of a puppeteer. She is forced to use her body, influenced by the control of others such as the Aunts, Commander, and society of Gilead to reproduce children, and follow orders such as household chores. “I’m a cloud, congealed around a central object, the shape of a pear, which is hard and more real than I am.” (Page 73-74) As she thinks of her present life and her actions, she identifies that she is nothing but someone who is meant to serve a purpose for the “central object” who she believes is “hard and more real” than she gives, giving us insight that she feels her own body is less tangible, “congealed,” than the person she’s using it for. As I read this part in the book, I realized that in my first years of high school, thinking back to school projects, work that I’ve done, and the things I participated in; I did them without purpose or in particular my brain’s consent on the action. I played sports because I figured it was something I needed to do to stay active and something that everyone else was doing in school. The school projects and papers I turned in were more of an interpretation and repetition of my classmates’ ideas. I wore clothes that now I would find uncomfortable and ugly simply because I wanted to fit in and everyone else was doing it. I, like Offred, was a cloud congealed around the lives of the SLA community and using my body to conform to the life of what society thought I should be living rather than have control on what I wanted to do and why. This senior year, I’ve been named the captain of the co-ed cross country team. Through this position, I’ve found what it means to be passionate about something and in turn, using my body, one with my own self, to put that passion towards leading. Specifically, I choose to go to every practice including asynchronous practice, because I choose and want to get better and stay consistent rather than going just to go. I’ve learned to appreciate the art of connection and networking with people through cross country as I’m always ready and excited to chat with my manager, teammates, and coaches I meet on the plateau. I reflect and thoroughly explore the texts I’m reading in class, taking notes and searching for thematic topics and deeper meanings versus the surface level reading that I was doing in freshman and sophomore year. Instead of reiterating the thoughts and discussions of my classmates, I bring forth new and original ideas that I’ve found myself onto papers, essays, and projects that I’m actually passionate about and enjoy speaking on. I’ve started contributing my spare time to the community as I’ve realized through the fun of participating in clubs, sports, and chatting, that I have a passion for wanting to help out those who need help. I use my body, one within my own, to help out my local animal shelter; assisting with enrichment for cats, petting them, feeding them, and playing with them. Now I know and use my body as my own and something I can utilize to go towards things I have recently found a deep purpose for. Whether that is to continue my career in the sport I love, reading literature materials and taking notes on how, just like the Handmaid’s Tale, these texts can have an influence on my life and thoughts, and contribute to my community.