Possibilities

When I read manhwa like Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, I get emotionally attracted to the character, sometimes it becomes too much. For me it is not just about liking the characters, it’s like me living alongside them mentally. When something tragic happens, or even hints at it happening, my mind goes into a deep spiral. I start to imagine all the worst possible outcomes and almost always, go into the worst-case scenarios. It’s not that I want a tragedy. It’s because I want to be ready for it. Maybe that’s why I connect deeply with the main character of Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, Kim Dokja. He’s a reader who knows the entire story. He reads every chapter, every twist and yet, when he is thrown into the world of the novel, he still gets emotionally attracted to all the characters. Even though he knows what is coming, he still chooses to suffer with all the characters. He tries to change their fates. He prepares for the worst, even what he has already seen written. That is how I feel when I read bittersweet stories. Like Kim Dokja said, “I wish to see the novel’s epilogue.” I know that the pain is coming, but I still imagine ways to prevent it. I still hope, yet I know it will hurt. Sometimes, I lie to myself about these stories not because I believe the lie, but because it helps me feel better. I try to imagine that the character survived, that the ending was different, that the pain was avoided. I know it’s fiction, I know it’s over. But my mind does not want to let go. It chooses to rewrite everything, trying to soften the blow. It is like an automatic coping mechanism that turns on by itself, and I myself have come to rely on it. In chapter 18 of The Handmaid Tale Offred’s line “Whatever the truth is, I will be ready for it.” (p.106) Here Offred doesn’t know what has happened to Luke, her husband. He might be dead. He might be imprisoned. He might have escaped. But for Offred she doesn’t have an answer, so her mind does what mine does: it imagines every possibility, especially the painful ones. Offred says: “I believe Luke is lying face down in a thicket…” (p.104). She continues,“I believe he’s safe. I believe he’s in danger. I believe he’s dead. I believe he is alive.” This isn’t just grief. It survival. Offred here prepares herself emotionally for every version of reality, because not knowing is worse than knowing. That is exactly how I feel when I read stories that leave characters in limbo or with unresolved pain. I always imagine the worst so I won’t be blindsided. I rehearse the worst outcome so I’m not caught off guard even if it never happens. At the beginning I saw Offred as the polar opposite of me. She seemed to wanted connection, attention, and intimacy, things that I despise. I isolate myself emotionally, especially when I get attached to fictional characters. I usually keep these emotions to myself. It is easier when no one is trying to fix it. So when Offred longed for Luke or reached for Nick, I could not relate. The 4th wall thought, “She is not like me.” But then came Chapter 18 my view of Offred shifted, with Offred imagining Luke’s fate, and suddenly I saw a piece of myself in Offred. She was not longing to seek love. She was doing what I do, which was mentally preparing for tragedy. She was rehearsing pain, not because she wanted it, but because she needed to be ready. At that moment I realized we both thought about the “what ifs.” For her, it is like a survival tactic during her lowest time. For me it is a way to brace myself emotionally, even when nothing has happened yet. This realization changed how I’ve been reading the novel so far. I stopped seeing Offred as someone unlike me. I started seeing her as someone who copes the same way I do quietly and internally through mental imagined scenarios and imagining different outcomes. With Offred shifting emotional state, her cycle of hope and despair contrast how I respond to stories like the manhwa I read. She imagines every possibility, not because she wants the pain, but because she needs to be ready for it.