I spend most of my time playing video games. For me it is not just a hobby it is an environment where I feel the most at ease. I know it isolates me from the outside world, but I choose it anyway. It’s like trading connections for comfort. I do not feel lonely when I play video games rather my heart races, but I do notice how distant I’ve become from everything else. That’s probably why Offred’s Scrabble scene in The Handmaid’s Tale stood out to me. It is a quiet scene that is oddly familiar. In chapter 23, Offred is summoned by the commander, and instead of punishment or a ceremony, he invites her to play a banned board game. It is a quiet break from all the restrictions around her, something she is not supposed to enjoy. Offred’s reaction had a mix of quiet excitement and uncertainty that reminds me of how I feel when I retreat into my own routine. In my case it’s not rebellion, it’s just what feels right to me. Offred’s Life in Gilead is tightly restricted. She’s not allowed to read, write, or speak freely. So when the Commander pulls out a Scrabble board, it’s not just a game, it’s a small crack in the system. Offred described the moment “We play two games. Larynx, I spell. Valence. Quince. Zygote. I hold the glossy counters in my hand… The feeling is voluptuous.” (pg.139.) This last line “The feeling is voluptuous” stood out to me. It’s not just excitement but it’s a kind of focus that drags her in. This reminded me of how I find enjoyment in video games, not loud, but a quiet kind of immersion. Like Offred, I’m not doing anything dramatic. I’m simply choosing something that brings me a sense of engagement, even if it separates me from everything else. What makes the Scrabble scene powerful is how emotionally complex it is. Offred doesn’t know how to feel about the Commander. She thinks to herself, is he being kind, or manipulative? Is this a gift, or another type of control? She’s not sure, and neither am I when I think about my own routines. There are times where I wonder if my habits are helping me or holding me back. I enjoy video games, but I also know it keeps me distant. I’ve gotten used to that distance. It feels normal now, but sometimes I ponder on what I’ve missed. Conversation I didn’t join, people I didn’t reach out to, moments I let pass. It’s not regret, but it’s a kind of awareness. I usually find myself trapped on the internet. When there’s no school, I’ll spend the entire day online. Where there is school„ I come home, finish homework, and go straight back into video games. It’s not accidental I’m purposely isolating myself from the physical world and choosing to connect with the digital one. That’s where I feel most in control. Offred’s internal reactions hold similar ideas. She says,”This is a reconstruction. All of this is a reconstruction.” (pg.134.) That line stood out to me because it shows how uncertain even her own memories and feelings are. She is basically trying to make sense of something that does not fit into rebellion or submission. I relate to this idea not in the same context, but in the way I reflect on my choices. I know what is expected of me socially to go outside and have interaction, to connect, to be present, butI also know what feels natural, which is retreating into the digital world. Even with this awareness, I haven’t changed and I don’t plan to. I still spend most of my time online, and I’ keep doing that even if it will hurt me. I want to be trapped not because I’m giving up, but because it is where I feel most like myse;f. Like Offred, I’m not trying to escape or rebel against the scenario. I’m choosing something that feels real to myself, even if it separates me. Her moment with the Commander does not change her reality, but gives her something to hold onto. That is why this chapter stuck out to me because it showed how something small, like a game, can carry weight. Offred’s Scrabble scene reminded me that meaning can exist in small quiet moments, even ones that feel strange or uncertain. I don’t relate to her world, but I can relate to the way she reacts when she is unsure of what to feel, yet still drawn to something that feels personal. And that;s what video games are for me. They’re not dramatic, they’re just a part of my routine that makes sense to me even if it means being apart from everything else.

When I read manhwa like Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, I get emotionally attracted to the character, sometimes it becomes too much. For me it is not just about liking the characters, it’s like me living alongside them mentally. When something tragic happens, or even hints at it happening, my mind goes into a deep spiral. I start to imagine all the worst possible outcomes and almost always, go into the worst-case scenarios. It’s not that I want a tragedy. It’s because I want to be ready for it. Maybe that’s why I connect deeply with the main character of Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, Kim Dokja. He’s a reader who knows the entire story. He reads every chapter, every twist and yet, when he is thrown into the world of the novel, he still gets emotionally attracted to all the characters. Even though he knows what is coming, he still chooses to suffer with all the characters. He tries to change their fates. He prepares for the worst, even what he has already seen written. That is how I feel when I read bittersweet stories. Like Kim Dokja said, “I wish to see the novel’s epilogue.” I know that the pain is coming, but I still imagine ways to prevent it. I still hope, yet I know it will hurt. Sometimes, I lie to myself about these stories not because I believe the lie, but because it helps me feel better. I try to imagine that the character survived, that the ending was different, that the pain was avoided. I know it’s fiction, I know it’s over. But my mind does not want to let go. It chooses to rewrite everything, trying to soften the blow. It is like an automatic coping mechanism that turns on by itself, and I myself have come to rely on it. In chapter 18 of The Handmaid Tale Offred’s line “Whatever the truth is, I will be ready for it.” (p.106) Here Offred doesn’t know what has happened to Luke, her husband. He might be dead. He might be imprisoned. He might have escaped. But for Offred she doesn’t have an answer, so her mind does what mine does: it imagines every possibility, especially the painful ones. Offred says: “I believe Luke is lying face down in a thicket…” (p.104). She continues,“I believe he’s safe. I believe he’s in danger. I believe he’s dead. I believe he is alive.” This isn’t just grief. It survival. Offred here prepares herself emotionally for every version of reality, because not knowing is worse than knowing. That is exactly how I feel when I read stories that leave characters in limbo or with unresolved pain. I always imagine the worst so I won’t be blindsided. I rehearse the worst outcome so I’m not caught off guard even if it never happens. At the beginning I saw Offred as the polar opposite of me. She seemed to wanted connection, attention, and intimacy, things that I despise. I isolate myself emotionally, especially when I get attached to fictional characters. I usually keep these emotions to myself. It is easier when no one is trying to fix it. So when Offred longed for Luke or reached for Nick, I could not relate. The 4th wall thought, “She is not like me.” But then came Chapter 18 my view of Offred shifted, with Offred imagining Luke’s fate, and suddenly I saw a piece of myself in Offred. She was not longing to seek love. She was doing what I do, which was mentally preparing for tragedy. She was rehearsing pain, not because she wanted it, but because she needed to be ready. At that moment I realized we both thought about the “what ifs.” For her, it is like a survival tactic during her lowest time. For me it is a way to brace myself emotionally, even when nothing has happened yet. This realization changed how I’ve been reading the novel so far. I stopped seeing Offred as someone unlike me. I started seeing her as someone who copes the same way I do quietly and internally through mental imagined scenarios and imagining different outcomes. With Offred shifting emotional state, her cycle of hope and despair contrast how I respond to stories like the manhwa I read. She imagines every possibility, not because she wants the pain, but because she needs to be ready for it.

During quarter 2 my notebook has once again successfully evolved into something that is and was better than my previous notes. Throughout my time in quarter 2, I found various ways to improvise my own writing and notes. My Q2 notebook has helped me in many ways. For example, it helps me with the test that Mrs.Giknis usually pass out. It also helps me keep track of time/chapter. Moving forward to the future I will try to find new ways to improve my writing and note-taking ability.

Q2 Notebook Project

Over the course of Q1, I feel like my notebook greatly impacted me. Especially in terms of remembrance and studying for upcoming projects and tests. As time passes, I will have to thank all my previous teachers for teaching me different note-taking techniques. Since in the future all my notes can be considered a treasure. I hope on improving my usage of visual tools in the future.

Notebook video Here

Basically a story about 2 kids of different socioeconomic statuses becoming friends, but that friendship is put to the test after they get into an argument. Can they get out of this hurdle, or will they remain enemies?