Rafael

Seeing your face every morning kills me. It makes me think of what we had, what I miss, how angry I am at you, how much I want you back so we can try and make this work, how much I love you… I walk by, trying to avoid looking your way in the hopes that you would even try to notice me. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t either way Rafael, you broke my heart.

  It was about a week ago that you broke up with me. I feel like you left me because I didn’t want to have sex with you. I wasn’t easy enough for you. When the topic of sex came up, I told you I wasn’t ready, only because we were only together for 3 months. Then the day after I told you that, we all of a sudden weren’t working out? You claim that you were going through so much, and that you couldn’t handle those situations and me. So am I considered one of your problems? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Even if I am not one of them, you knew that I was here for you. I’m going through that same shit you are but tried to make this work, I knew that you were here for me; well I thought you were. Its just crazy how we were close ass friends for years before we decided to be together and you promised we were going to stay close no matter what..but its obvious that you broke that promise..

  To me, that whole excuse of you “going through to much” is a bunch of bullshit that I will not believe. Do you realize how this makes me feel? Did you stop and think about how this would affect me? No, you didn’t. You thought about yourself like always. And that hurts. I was always here for you, you were all I wanted and needed. I felt like I could be myself around you. You were the only guy that ever made me feel like I mattered or had a purpose in the world, or maybe you just did that in the hopes of getting in my pants…

 My feelings are all over the place. One-minute I’m full of rage, the next I’m trying to smile and feel good about everything to get you off my mind. I’m confused. I’m confused because I am still unaware as to why this situation would even occur. Just a day ago we were all smiles and laughing, holding hands…. and now I cant stand you, I miss you, I’m in regret, part of me wants you back. I don’t know what to do with myself.

  I showed you how much I cared, you knew I had nothing but love for you; you knew that and took advantage of it. I never reveal how I feel. Not to anyone. I told you things that I have never even told my closest friends. So many deep feelings and thoughts because I thought you would listen and help me. But would you like to know what hurts the most Rafael? The fact that I thought you cared… But of course it turns out that I thought wrong.

 I don’t even blame you Rafael. I blame myself for caring too much and letting you in my life. I should have known from the start that you we’re just like the rest. I don’t know what made me even think you were different. I hope that one day, someone does this same shit to you. I want you to feel the pain that I feel. Until then, leave me alone and live your life. I was living my life before you and I’ll keep on living after you. Maybe this is me just trying to get over you, or maybe I just don't care anymore...

Either way Rafael, I will always love you...hopefully we can try this again...until then, take care.